Candle in the Wind
by Sahariah
Summary: She'd never felt so complete as when she was with him. But when suspiciously familiar bombings see the San Fran PD looking for it's only surviving CSI on the case life becomes complicated. Separated, never have there been so many unanswered questions. NS.
1. Time After Time

**Summary: **Sara finally felt her life was complete; he'd changed her in so many ways. They'd promised one another just that morning that they'd never leave. But when a massacre sends the San Francisco PD looking for the only surviving CSI on the original team, life becomes a whole lot less certain for the happy couple. NS!

**Disclaimer:** This goes for all the chapters that will be added to the story as well. I don't own CSI, sadly, and almost certainly never will. Any other characters that do not appear in the show are of my creation, and therefore I do own them.

**A/N:** For reasons pertaining to character development, Sara is a tiny bitOOC in the first chapter.I'd like to think that given her circumstance, she's grown into a happier and more secure person. That's how I've written her in this piece, anyway. First chapter is fluffy Snickers interaction.Please enjoy!

**Chapter Title:** Time After Time

* * *

"Mmm, Happy Birthday, baby." Sara purred into her boyfriend's ear as the pair of them slowly woke to the tune of the alarm clock that sat with unquestionable authority upon their headboard. Her nails, which she had allowed to grow recently, traced lightly over the outlines of his bare chest. She hit the off button on the clock and her head found its perfect spot on the man's shoulder.

"Thanks, Sar." His strong arms circled her slight frame, pulling her body closer to him. His eyes, barely open, stared twinkling into hers as they lay tangled up in each other in the dark of the evening. The skin of his neck tingled under the warmth of her gentle breath, and he felt shivers crawling lightly down his spine. He placed a chaste kiss on her lips as he ran a hand through her naturally curly hair, fingers playing with the raven locks unconsciously.

"I love you." A smile crossed her pink lips when Sara spoke again, still in a whisper. She pulled her body still closer to his so that her own chest was flush with his as she kissed him, leaving a searing trail along his jaw line. Her actions evoked a sensuous moan.

"I love you more." The same smirk that had crossed her lips now crossed his as he rolled on top of her, resting on his elbows positioned on either side of her head. Sara chuckled, wrapping her arms around his neck and encouraging his head to move closer down to her own. He obliged, dipping down to steal another kiss, this time deeper and more intense.

"You're so competitive." Sara murmured playfully into his lips, her fingers toying instinctively with the short hairs at the nape of his neck.

"How do you think I beat Gris for _you_?"

"Oh stop." She found herself grinning as his lips brushed her own once more. They both knew what a stupid remark that was. He chuckled and pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear and fell beside her.

"I don't want to go to work today. Let's call in sick and stay in bed all day." His whispers caressed her ear, and his words made her smile even more. "It's my birthday." She felt him stick out his bottom lip in a pouty manner against her earlobe.

"Nicky, you're 34… it's time to face reality." Sara chuckled, turning her head so that her nose brushed over his affectionately. "Besides… They'd miss your southern charm…"

"But how could you complain… you'd have the charm all to yourself for the day." Nick argued lightly, propping his head up on his arm to look at her properly.

"I hate sharing you, but I'm not that selfish of a person." Sara pecked him quickly on the lips before sitting up to get out of bed. Nick sighed in defeat.

"Alright… I'll get up…"

"Good, because work starts in an hour, and we both need a shower."

"A shower… now _there's_ an idea." Nick drawled with mock interest. A soft, characteristic simper crossed his own lips as he eyed those of Sara's while she slipped into a decidedly lucent housecoat on her way to the bathroom.

"Your tone sounds somewhat suggestive, Nicholas Stokes." Sara feigned innocence as she stared at him through twinkling hazel eyes as a hand ran lazily through her curly hair.

"Mmm, mind if I join you?"

"Ah, not at all, but we only have 10 minutes..." Sara's eyes remained locked on Nick even as she turned her head to walk into the bathroom. Finally she raised an eyebrow with a wink and looked away, facing the end of the bathroom so her back was facing him. Then she dropped the bathrobe.

"You tease."

* * *

"Happy Birthday Nicky." Sara walked over to the kitchen table where she approached the Texan from behind, carrying a wrapped present in her arms. She placed it in front of him and on top of the morning paper he was reading, and then wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"Oh, wow, jeez Sar, I told you not to get me anything—"

"I know, I know… but you've mentioned this a few times… and I know you'd look, well—" Sara paused, knowing she'd almost told him what the gift was. "Uh, just open it."

"-- …because you know, all I want is _you_…"

"You're a darling." She placed a kiss on his cheek, still from behind. "Thank you. But I still got you something."

Nick tore open the goofy smiley-face wrapping paper that Sara had so neatly covered the square box with, pulling the stick-on bow off and sticking it on her head. She laughed, pulling it off and sticking it instead on his head. He was just about to open the plain white box when she stopped him.

"Wait, hang on a second. I need to get something before you finish." Sara ran quickly from the room, fetching her digital camera from her crime kit that sat at the front door waiting for her before making her way through the hall back into the kitchen.

"What'd you grab?" Nick inquired suspiciously, his hands still on the box, ready to open it at any moment.

"Oh, nothing… don't worry about it… just open the box." Sara smiley coyly, walking around to the other side of the table to watch him, her camera hidden beneath the table, on and ready.

Nick's dark eyes filled with childish joy as peered curiously into the sizeable box. Sara raised her camera and took a candid shot of his genuinely happy face, wanting to burn the boyish image into her mind permanently. He looked up from the box to her camera to her face wearing his own coy smile, finally aware of what she'd gone to get but not finding he minded all that much.

"Thank you Sar…" He lifted a black cowboy hat delicately from the box, admiring it from all angles with enthusiasm.

"I was surprised you didn't already have one, Cowboy." Sara's gap-tooth grin shone in the fairly dim light of the late evening. Nick was certain no one could possibly have looked more beautiful than she did when she smiled. He grinned back at her, placing the hat on his head and posing for the next picture she would take.

"Something just fell on my head." Nick tried to keep a straight face as the flash of the camera went off, but his features contorted in confusion as he felt something fall into his hair under the hat. Sara chuckled.

"It's my little note. You must have missed it."

Nick removed his new hat and picked the little scroll from his own dark hair with a playful smile that told her that a note from her was definitely something special to him. The little rolled up paper adorned a cute curly ribbon and his name. He slid the ribbon off the roll and opened up the scroll.

* * *

_Dear Nick,_

_I know you told me not to get you anything, but you know how stubborn I am. Actually, I've never seen you wearing a cowboy hat, unless you count those old photos you've shown me from when you were a kid in Texas. I thought this one would suit you the best, and if it's even possible to make you better looking than you already are, I think the hat would be the only thing that could do it. _

_You mean the world to me. I've never said that to anyone else. But with you, it's true. I can't imagine life right now without you, the thought of not waking up in your arms every night for shift scares me more than anything else. I know it sounds tacky, but being with you has changed everything about me for the better. The way I look at the world, myself, other people… right down to my actions and what I'm now willing to do. You taught me how to open up; how to love. I can't thank you enough, and I'll never be able to express how much I care for you in these mere words. _

_You're 34 today, and it's been five years since we first met, ten months since you showed me life. Somehow, you manage to be both an adult and a kid; that smile of yours reminds me of the innocence only you could show me, the truth that good people carry underneath the masks we all wear. I wake up every day happy, hopeful and with faith in the world and people because I wake up beside you. The last ten months have been like a second life to me- like trying to fit in 33 years of time I should have been living but was too lost to try, or even want to. Thank you Nicholas Stokes, I love you more than words can express. Here's to another 34 years and the rest of an eternity- time I hope to spend with you. _

_Love Always,_

_Sara_

* * *

Nick read the last two lines out loud, feeling almost numb with emotion as the words spilled from his throat. He could feel his eyes burning, and tears he hadn't cried since being buried alive threatened to fall down his cheeks, and he made no move to hide it. His eyes gazed from the beautiful letter Sara had scrawled by hand onto the small pages, to the face that gazed back at him and made him feel sure nothing could be more beautiful than it. He saw that tears were also gathering in her eyes as she smiled in a way she hadn't known how to a mere ten months ago.

"Th-Thank you, Sara. That was so special…" Nick stood up from his chair and captured the raven haired woman in his arms. He could feel her hot tears falling onto his dark sweater, and he managed a smile. He was so incredibly lucky. "I love you too." Nick pulled her closer still, rocking them back and forth rhythmically. Sara desperately wanted to say something in response, but her heart seemed void of words to speak, she had already spilled all she had in her letter to him. He seemed to understood without her telling him.

Finally, Sara removed her head from its resting place in the crook of Nick's neck and placed a tender kiss on his lips. He responded fully, kissing her back and running his hand through her dark locks as he always did when he kissed her. Fingers toyed with the raven curls as her hands remained on his broad shoulders; she stood on her toes to kiss the tip of his nose gently. Her cheek brushed softly against his own, and she delighted in the feeling of her skin on his smooth, shaved face before they both pulled away briefly to gaze at each other.

"Never leave me?" Nick asked her, and saw in her eyes the same question. Sara gave him a watery smile, and answered him.

"Never."

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, first chapter is happy. Second… won't be as much so. Grissom has some, uh… news. BTW… I haven't forgotten about my other stories… actually, my computer that had the update files on it crashed the other day, so I have to write them again. Thankfully I have my laptop… XP. Next chapter for this story _will_ be posted soon, as I'm almost done writing it. Please hit that little review button on your way out… I means a lot to me! Thanks!

Until next time…

-Sahariah (Kikyou)


	2. Child of the Wind

Thanks to everyone who reviewed: isabell89, Notorious, icklebitoff, BeTrAyEd DaUgHtErS, csialltheway, Space-Case7029, heartagram69, I want George, Anushka, EquestrianBabe, bubble cat, spooky-phoenix, CSIFan4Life, Baby23-Misery and Mma63. You guys are just awesome!

**Mma63**: That's exactly why I ship Nick/Sara. I think successful and healthy relationships are between two people who can make up for each other's faults... Nick and Sara are very much opposites in many ways, they do complete each other.

**csialltheway**: I'm touched the note made you cry. Thank you.

**icklebitodd**: Thank you. I'm quite a fan of the song myself. :)

**isabell89:** Your review really made me smile. I get emotional when I listen to Lifehouse and Aerosmith too. P Don't worry about a bad ending- I'm not a fan of sad endings. Promise. :)

**A/N:** I'm not really fond of this chapter, but it had to be done. It's not really that bad, but let me know what you think. Looking at things from where they stand now, I believe this story is going to be at least 15 chapters. I hope you'll stay with me 'till the end! 'Child of the Wind' is a song by Bruce Cockburn, I don't own it. Enjoy, and please R&R!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Child of the Wind

* * *

Nick wore his new cowboy hat as he drove the two of them to work in the department issued Tahoe he and Sara now shared. She sat in the passenger seat with her eyes closed, one of her decidedly more frequent smiles crossing her lips. Her hand clasped Nick's between them as the SUV stopped at a red light just down the street from the lab. She yawned quietly, covering her mouth with her right hand, squeezing Nick's in her left just a little harder as she tried to speak through it. 

"You were right- we should have called in sick. I'm tired…"

Nick smiled as he watched her squirm briefly in her seat, trying to get comfortable again. Sara too tired for work. That was something new.

"Need coffee…." She continued mumbling, images of the Blue Hawaiian she fully intended to steal blurring lazily before her closed her eyes.

"Mmm, but we both decided we needed to cut down on coffee, remember honey?"

Sara's eyes blinked open sleepily, and she cocked an eyebrow. "I'll have to bribe you into letting me cheat a little."

Nick chuckled as his foot hit the gas pedal again to continue down the street and into the LVPD lab parking lot. He placed a quick kiss on her check before popping his seatbelt from its buckle, then Sara's. They both exited and left the truck, grabbing their crime kits before setting off toward the entrance. Nick directed the automatic lock remote over his shoulder, and, hearing the beep of the horn that meant the vehicle was locked, adjusted his new hat subconsciously before clasping Sara's hand again. They were nearing the glass doors when Sara's cellphone rang. She stopped them for a second, frowning slightly as she took the small phone from its case on her belt and answered it.

"Sidle."

"Hey Sara, its Grissom- listen, I need both you and Nick here today, we have a big caseload and… I… need to talk to both of you."

"You know we were both supposed to come in today anyway, we both have shift tonight."

"Yes, I know, but I also know today is Nick's birthday and you're already twenty minutes late- I wanted to make sure you were coming." Admittedly, it wasn't normal for either of them to show up late for work, but they knew Grissom would probably let one day slide.

Sara rolled her eyes.

"We're at the doors, we'll meet you in your office in 5."

She closed her phone and put it back on her belt.

"Grissom?" Nick asked with interest, holding the glass door of the lab entrance open for her. The pair continued talking as they made their way to their supervisor's office.

"Yeah, he says needs to talk to both of us- I told him we'd see him in his office in five. Figured we could drop our stuff off in our lockers on the way."

"Sounds good… but I'm wearing the hat."

Sara laughed. "Yeah, don't put that in your locker. I want to show you off."

Five minutes later, Nick and Sara had made the familiar trek to Grissom's office, where he asked them both to take a seat. The supervisor stood up from the chair behind his desk and closed the door to the office, removing his glasses and massaging the crook of his nose, just between his eyes as he sat back down again. He sighed, and the pair of them noted how old he looked that day.

"I… have some bad news." Grissom paused, clearly not sure where to go from there. His features remained static, frozen as he thought. Nick and Sara sat with their hands in their laps, looking confused and worried. Finally, the older man began speaking again.

"There's been a violent massacre in San Francisco that has been tied to another chain of cases that supposedly went cold seven years ago, around the time you, Sara, were working for San Francisco PD before your transfer here five years ago. Apparently two of the four CSI's that worked those cases were killed last week; they were believed to have been targets of a bombing at a staged crime scene in an airport parkade. The other is in critical condition at Central Hospital, and their team is in desperate need of the fourth… the only other person who worked the cold cases seven years ago. Sara."

Sara looked like she'd been slapped in the face. Nick's jaw was practically on the floor.

"What does this mean for her?" Nick managed after a few moments, wide eyed and disturbed by this uncalled for news.

"Sara is being transferred for the time being to San Francisco to aid the SFPD as the only surviving member of her old team to help solve this case before these extremists kill another throng of innocent people." Grissom answered simply, his face as per usual void of any detectable emotion. The whole room was silent for what seemed like hours- Sara's hand had found Nick's again and she squeezed it firmly. Nick could feel her fear through this simple gesture, and an overwhelming urge to strangle the Nightshift Supervisor was wracking at his very being. Here this man sat- face void of emotion, telling him that not only were throngs of innocent people dead, but the person he cared most about was being transferred to this place that seemed akin to a _war zone,_ and there was nothing he could do about it. Sara felt like she was going to be sick.

Grissom watched the couple with interest, as if searching for a reaction. Nick's expression had changed to fury, while Sara looked genuinely afraid, inwardly dreading the question she already knew the answer to.

"Aspen and Neil are… are dead?" Sara's pupils were very large and she'd gone ghostly white. Nick watched her worriedly, his expression turning from livid to brotherly in an instant. Grissom sighed, putting his glasses back on and opening a folder that lay among countless others in front of him and held up notes Sara assumed he took during a phone call.

"Fatalities were Aspen McAirfeld and a Juila Fairmont… surviving CSI Neil Erykson is in critical condition with severe third degree burns at Central Hospital in San Francisco, California."

"Aspen… Juila… Neil…" Sara repeated their names, staring at the wall behind her boss, then at the ground. Tears fell from her eyes for the second time that morning, but this time they were out of mourning as opposed to joy and thankfulness. Nick looked quickly to Grissom in helpless disbelief then quickly back to Sara, who was crumpling in her seat, refusing to look up and allow Grissom to see her tears. Her grip on Nick's hand was slowly waning.

"Sara, look at me…" Nick was kneeling on the floor in front of her, his hands clasping her wrists as she sat, her body almost hugging her knees which she'd pulled in tight protectively, hiding her face behind long curly hair. "Honey please…" Sara remained very still, so he moved a hand to stroke her shoulder. Nick was surprised when she flinched under his touch. He turned around and stood to face Grissom, standing tall above the sitting man from the other side of his desk.

"Gris, if you don't mind, we need a moment."

Without saying a word, the entomologist raised from his seat, looking the man who had just asked him to get out of his own office, expression in his eyes turning from detached to uncharacteristically cold. He almost seemed to challenge Nick to _fix this one. _Despite how angry_ he_ was about the situation, Nick hadn't expected such abhorrence from the man he'd almost come to respect over the years as a father figure. It seemed that he still hadn't gotten over loosing Sara to him. Well, he never really _had_ her in the first place, but seeing them together still appeared to bothered him for some reason. Nick stared back with just as much intensity, and finally Grissom walked out of the room, closing the door neatly behind him.

"Thank you…" Nick heard a small voice speaking to him from behind, and realized Sara had looked up. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her entire body was shaking. She wasn't sure why she had just withdrawn like that in front of her boss, but she'd never felt fully comfortable and secure around him. She wasn't willing to allow him to see her cry… no matter what the circumstance.

"Honey…" Nick crouched down at her feet again, wrapping his arms around her crippled form. Her head fell as it always did into the crook of his shoulder, and he held her as sobs wracked her body. Sara had never mentioned anything to him about her old team, or even her old life in San Francisco, and he'd never pushed the matter. But looking at the situation now, Nick was sure that if they had been anywhere near as close as their nightshift team, the news had to be heartbreaking. Just thinking about Sara in such pain caused his own heart to ache- he couldn't stand her being so torn apart. They were quiet for a while, just clinging to each other until Sara was ready to speak again.

"Aspen… was—" She sighed, almost hiccupping between a sobs. "…my sister. She was the closest thing I'd ever had to a real family. Neil and I were very close too."

Her words hit him like a ton of bricks. He felt helpless, and wished more than anything that he could say or do something to help.

"I'm sorry Sara... I'm so sorry…" he continued rubbing circles on her back in an effort to comfort her, and it seemed to be working, at least to some degree. She'd stopped shaking and sobbing and now solitary tears ran down her cheeks as she again wrapped her own arms around Nick's body.

"Juila and I… never got along. She- she reminds me of…" Sara squeezed her eyes shut as hard as she could, as if forcing the tears from her body to cleanse herself of the pain.

"Who, baby… who?" Nick whispered in her ear, confused.

"Catherine." Another sob wracked her body- saying that had almost made her death real, undoable. "I should have listened to her… she was right, this is all my fault… She's dead because I was stupid—"

"No, no… Sara, their deaths are not your fault, there's nothing you could have done…"

"Yes there was… Julia was right… and I refused to listen to her because I was just too stubborn…"

"Shh, honey… no…"

Sara shook her head no rather violently and pulled away from him. Nick looked to her face; she looked more vulnerable, scared and confused than he had ever seen her. "No… no… my fault… you don't understand…" She stood up, falling out of his arms still shaking her head. Slowly, her legs moved her almost involuntarily toward the closed door of Grissom's office. "I- I can't handle this… Nick, I'm sorry…"

Sara pulled her wide chestnut eyes from his, and turned to run from the confinement of the walls. She sprinted through the halls of the lab until she reached the parking lot. Nick ran after her, following until he found her collapsed on their blue Tahoe in the back of the lot, where she lay sprawled, quietly shaking and wishing she'd lived just a little differently 7 years ago, when _she_ had been so different_. Life…_ had been so different.

* * *

**A/N: **The little blueish-purple "GO!" button is calling you... D Please drop me a review and tell me what you though of this chapter! I'll try my best to make the next one not-so-angsty, but I can't promise anything. Thanks so much for your support on the first chapter, I appreciate it! 

Until next time…

Sahariah

Sympathy for the devil (maybe when sar finally catches the perps?)


	3. All These Things That I've Done

**A/N: **Sara seems rather weak in this chapter, but you must remember that she's feeling very vulnerable! She won't always be so feeble. More will be explained in future chapters about the story behind the bombings and Sara's past,but this should give you an idea of what went on. Her old team will also be explained more in future chapters. If you have questions, please ask them in a review! _All These Things That I've Done _is a song by The Killers. I don't own it. Sadly. But it really fits this chapter well.XD

Thanks to _Baby23-Misery, I want George, Mma63, Jessica Summers, Treyann, isabell89, dark-angel-ali, CSIFan4Life, BeTrAyEd DaUgHtErS, heartagram69_ and_ SupaDupaChic_ for reviewing!

**Isabell89:** Haha, it seems like I now have theme songs for this story! (Thanks!) :)

**Treyann:** Hopefully this chapter will explain Sara's mistake a little. Thanks!

**Mma63:** Yes, Nicky with a cowboy hat. Yum.:) About San Francisco… I touch a bit on that in this chapter, but that question should be answered in chapter 4. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** All These Things That I've Done

* * *

_Nick had driven them home after Catherine had practically chewed Grissom out when the supervisor was reluctant to let either of them go home. Sara could barely get into the Tahoe, she was shaking so fiercely. Nick was extremely worried about her, especially after the way she mumbled as they swerved through the traffic on the strip. He didn't think he'd ever get her words out of his head. It should have been me… my fault. Her defense mechanisms hadn't seemed to kick in yet, but when the finally did, he was even more worried. By the time they'd arrived back at their apartment, she was sitting completely still, her expression blank, eyes staring straight ahead. _

_It was another hour before she spoke again. She had just laid her head on Nick's shoulder, listening silently to his words of comfort. They meant the world to her, but nothing all the same. Nothing could change what had happened, nor what would happen. It was hard enough just to sit there, alive and breathing just knowing that she was ultimately responsible for the deaths of two people she cared deeply about. Plus whoever was killed in the homecoming bomb. Sara knew she'd be on a plane in two days, flying back to her old life; a place and time where she'd be greeted by what she should have been used to by now. Death, selfishness, suffering, anger, cruelty… and the love she'd become accustomed to seeing fall apart somehow would haunt her for weeks. For the past ten months, she'd carried hope; hope that the world perhaps no longer contained all the pain that scarred her in the past. And Nick had almost made her believe it too… _

_

* * *

_Sara sighed deeply, running a hand through her hair as she prepared herself to explain everything to Nick, who was seated beside her on their leather couch. The oversized loveseat sat in their apartment home, facing a large bay window that looked out onto one of the few spaces in Vegas not covered by flashing lights and signs that assaulted the eyes. The view was refreshingly beautiful- the sole reason they'd chosen the apartment. Nick clasped her hand in his and waited for her to be ready; trying to be as supportive as possible despite the fact he was still confused. He'd grasped the fact that Sara's old team was dead, but that alone wouldn't be enough for her to start reaping blame. It was a while before she was sure she could speak again without the risk or another outburst of tears, but eventually her voice permeated Nick's ears once more- quiet, distant… vulnerable. 

"I remember it clearly. Looking back on it, we had all the evidence we needed for an arrest- but I still told them something was missing…"

"Who were the suspects?"

"Six were identified- I don't remember their names off the top of my head, but they were part of a crime mob who's MO always included bombs… usually in busy places. They even managed to hit San Francisco International Airport twice in three months." Sara seemed to go into information mode for a moment, the way she usually did when discussing a case. Nick assumed that at least had to be a good sign.

"They just set bombs- no targets?"

"No… they always had a target… Usually cops or successful or famous businesspeople. We thought maybe the bombings were just reckless assassination attempts, but the cases proved to be too difficult to solve for that to be a realistic assumption. They weren't random- the attacks proved to be heavily premeditated." Nick wasn't sure what to say. They sounded like a terror group. He pulled her into his arms, knowing his next question would be hard for her to answer, and he felt sorry already for putting her through it. But he needed to know.

"What did you think… was missing, Sar?"

Sara was silent. She felt horrible, and seemed to lose all control of her small form, collapsing into his body like a puddle of goo. It was all she could do just to think about what she was about to tell him, controlling her muscular structure was another story. The guilt was overwhelming.

"I—" There was a lengthy pause, and Sara sobbed again. "There wasn't… anything missing."

Nick's brows furrowed. She'd already told him that. What she said next, however, through him for a loop.

"… And I knew it."

Unable to stop himself, Nick answered incredulously. "What?"

"There was nothing missing. I was just being stupid because Julia knew it too. I was wasting time verifying all of her evidence." Sara answered simply, clenching her eyes closed as if doing so would close her off from the world. Her mind had visited those days almost exactly seven years ago many times during her time working for the LVPD. Every time she did, the images were pushed forcefully from her head. The events that unfolded in San Francisco were far from her proudest.

Nick was stunned; he'd always known Sara to be devoted and stubborn, but never unreasonable and definitely not one to doubt her coworkers. His arms around her had weakened a little out of shock, but she took this change as an indication of disgust. Her bloodshot eyes pleaded with his, and more tears ran from them.

"_I'm so sorry Nick._"

"Shh…" He tightened his grip around her and pulled her close once more. Honestly, he didn't know what to make of what he was hearing. But he still loved her, and if her current state was any indication, she definitely needed to know it.

"_You must be disgusted by me_."

"No Sar… I'm not." Nick whispered in her ear, resting his head on hers. "But I'm not sure I understand yet."

Sara hiccupped through a sigh the way one tends to when breathing in after a long bout of tears. "Blaze Evans… my supervisor back in San Francisco had put me in the lead of the serial case. Julia couldn't have the detective on the case arrest any suspects without my okaying it." She shook her head, massaging her temples with a free hand as she tried to calm down. "Can you believe that? A first year rookie on lead for a chain of serial killings. God, that's stupid."

Nick smiled in spite of himself. Something about hearing Sara say '_God, that's stupid._' was kind of funny. This whole conversation was screwing up his head.

"Why did he give the lead to you, Sara?" Nick asked seriously, his fingers toying with her raven locks as he raised her chin so he could look into her eyes. She saw genuine concern in the dark pools, and wished, not for the first time, that she could just drown in them, forget everything that wasn't him, and him alone.

"Oh God, Nick… I was 26, but I acted like I was 13…"

"Sar…"

"I wanted to beat Julia at something. She was like Catherine, Nick. She had it… what I never could." Somehow, she could barely believe she was telling him this. It was completely out of her character to admit to jealousy, especially of Catherine, with whom she'd clashed for years. Nick just thought they disliked each other, but now he wondered if Catherine envied something in Sara too.

He was starting to follow, but he wasn't sure how Sara's unvoiced resentment led to her leading a career case.

"Mm hmm…" he prompted her to continue. Sara rolled her eyes at her next statement.

"So I asked Blaze for the case. And he gave it to me."

"What? He just gave it to you?"

Sara sighed, finally relaxing a little.

"We had a bit of a history. I guess he felt obligated."

"A history?" Nick raised his eyebrows in question. Part of him wasn't sure he should be asking, but the other needed to know.

"Nick, please don't think I go after supervisors because I want to lead special cases… I know I should have told you about Blaze, but I honestly didn't think I'd ever have to deal with him again. And Gris… you know that was different…"

"No, no… I know that. I just don't really know _what_ to say."

Sara sniffed, leaning into his shoulder. His fingers caressed her shoulder softly, and she rested her head in the crook of his neck. After a few moments, she whispered. "Do you hate me, Nick?"

He felt like he was in some kind of a trance, and barely heard her whispers. He buried his face in her dark locks, taking in the familiar scent of her shampoo. Her voice came stronger this time, and his eyes lost their glaze as she got his attention.

"Nick?" Those horrible tears were falling down her face again, and her question carried a desperate ache that begged him to assure her again as he had so many times before that he loved her. He lifted her chin with two fingers, delicately turning her head to face him. His thumb wiped away the drops that fell from her eyes, the eyes he knew carried emotion beyond expression. A soft smile crossed his lips as he brushed them against hers.

"Sara, you know I could never hate you… I love you to pieces." He didn't begrudge her her previous relationships. He'd had plenty of his own, few of which he was proud of.

"I love you too… Thank you."

Silence filled the room for a while until Sara finally whispered.

"This is my fault… I have to go…"

"Shh… baby, I know you have to go... But you'll be alright; we'll be alright. Listen… I'll apply for a transfer down to San Francisco too."

"But Nick—"

"Shhh… honey… you have to stop blaming yourself. You can't control what happens in another state."

"If I had just listened to Julia 7 years ago… I was so preoccupied with showing her up… If I'd trusted her evidence and taken my head out of my goddamned ass… the perps may have been caught, and this never would have happened. I waited too long to give the word, and they had to be released… as soon as they were, they fled the jurisdiction…"

"Honey—"

"I was responsible, and I still am. I—I have to make things right… starting here."

"What do you mean?"

"Catherine… Its time to make peace with her… I can't let this happen to you too—" Sara's eyes lay fixated on some object across the room and Nick felt her tense up in his arms.

"Sar, these are hardly similar circumstances—"

"I'm not the same person now I was then... Grissom called me up here and I was glad to run away from the mess I'd created. Julia… she saw right through everything. I know I've made many of the same mistakes I made with her with Catherine… and if I can't make it right with Julia…" Another tear found it's way down her cheek and she sniffled. "The least I can do is make it right with Catherine …" She sat upright and then stood almost robotically, pulling away from Nick's arms. "And I have to phone Blaze…"

* * *

Back at the lab, Catherine's blood was boiling.

"Gil, I can't _believe_ you! You agreed to send Saraback to San Francisco without even telling her! And I _saw_ the way you looked at Nick on their way out…"

"Catherine, please." Grissom held up his hand to stop her, but she continued.

"No, Gil, I'm not going to lay off. You can't resent Nick just because he went after her- that's not fair to either of them."

Catherine stepped in front of him, forcing the man to look at her, to acknowledge her.

"Look- this is going to be really hard on both of them, especially Sara. The least you can do is be supportive instead of drowning the pair of them in guilt just because you can't handle them being together!"

Grissom sighed, removing his glasses. "Cath, you don't even like Sara."

"We don't always get along, but I'd never wish this on her.Anyway, that's beside the point! I had to _fight_ to get you to get you to let them leave early. Not everyone can deal like you can, Gil. Some people actually have the capacity to show some emotion!"

"I have emotion Catherine. And we have a huge load tonight; high profile. You know as well as I do that we need all hands on deck for the Carolsen case." The smallest twinge of annoyance was now visible in his bright blue eyes.

"But that's just it- we managed without them—"

"Catherine, I won't discuss this any further. You have evidence to process, and I have a personnel transfer report to complete. Excuse me." Grissom stepped past her looking just as calm and collected as ever. The blonde CSI was left in the hallway to watch him take off in the direction of his office- the place Sara had run from only to be followed by Nick mere hours earlier. She shook her head in frustration, wishing her gaze could burn holes in the back of the man's head. When he was out of sight, she turned to retire in her own office to finish logging her evidence before she and Warrick processed it as per usual.

* * *

_Over and out, last call for sin  
While everyone's lost, the battle is won  
With all these things that I've done  
All these things that I've done  
_

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed! Please drop me a review on your way out… the blue button is calling you again…:) Next chapter will be up soon. Sorry for the angst… XD

Until next time,

-Sahariah


	4. Cry

**A/N:** Dactyloscopy is the scientific analysis of fingerprints. I figured Grissom was an entomologist, so Sara's old supervisor should have a specialty too. He's a Dactyloscopologist. Or however you say it. XD _Cry_ is a song by Faith Hill. I don't own it.Sadly. As far as this chapter goes, I really love the end of it... Hope you enjoy too! As far as review responses go, I've reposted this chapter without them because of the new rule that came out about an hour ago. All the responses have been sent out to individual reviewers. It has allowed me to shorten my author's notes! (shock) XD 

Please enjoy, and _let me know what you think!_

* * *

**Chapter Title: **Cry

* * *

That night, Nick took Sara out for dinner. Or rather, Sara had planned to take Nick out for dinner because it was his birthday. She felt very badly about how horrible his day had been. Thankfully, Grissom had grudgingly given Nick the next two days off; the last days she would be spending in Vegas before heading off to San Francisco. 

"Are you ready yet honey?" Nick knocked on their bathroom door. Sara had been in there for the last hour, at least.

"Yeah, just about… I'll be right out." She called back, still fiddling with her makeup. Applying it had been most frustrating, her eyes kept welling up with tears, messing up her eyeliner. A sigh emerged, and she made a mental note to buy some waterproof eyeliner and mascara before going to San Francisco. Something told her she would be needing it.

"Okay, because our reservation was for 7:00. It's ten-to."

"Damnit. Alright, I'm coming out, then." Sara rolled her eyes and gave up on the eyeliner. She then grabbed a tissue, trying to dry the tears before they fell. Finally giving up on that too, she smoothed her black evening dress and moved to open the sliding bathroom door. It was a backless halter, a new number she'd purchased a few weeks ago. She hoped Nick would like it.

"Wow… you look great Sar! But… you're crying…" Nick's eyes lit up when he saw her in the dress; she looked beautiful. But the grin on his face faded and expression turned to worry when he saw how red and watery her dark eyes were. "Come here, honey." He enveloped her small form in his arms as he tried to comfort her.

"Sorry Nick… I just can't seem to stop crying. I feel so ridiculous. I'm sorry…" Sara buried her face in his neck and the tears came faster. So much for her eyeliner… but she hardly cared.

"No, don't apologize. You have every right to be upset. Maybe this isn't right; maybe we shouldn't be going out tonight. It's almost like celebrating death—"

"No, it's not celebrating death! I want to go, Nick… I want to spend time with you before I have to leave…" Sara argued back, wrapping her arms around his neck. "It's just… I can't stop thinking about it. I really think I need to talk to Blaze… would it be okay with you if I called him before we left? I meant to earlier today… but I just couldn't bring myself to do it…"

Nick sighed and gave a sad smile. "If it would help, I think it's a good idea. I'll call the restaurant and tell them we'll be a little late." He dropped a kiss on her cheek before grabbing his cell from his pocket.

"Thanks, Nick." He'd brought the phone to his ear already, but Sara leaned in and captured his lips anyway. The kiss was giving and intense, and Nick closed his cell phone and threw it on the bed so he could wrap his arms around her again. "I love you." She whispered softly into his lips.

"I love you too… God Sar, I don't know what I'd do without you." He kissed her pink lips again and rested his forehead against hers. She rubbed her nose on his in an affectionate gesture, and he smiled, staring into her eyes. Sara looked back into his, and, not for the first time, wished she could just drown in the dark pools; forgetting anything and everything that wasn't Nick…

Then the phone rang. Nick watched as her eyes grew wide in surprise and she separated herself from him to answer the ringing phone that sat on their headboard.

"_Hello, I'd like to speak to Sara Sidle? Does she live there?"_

"Blaze?" Sara questioned breathlessly, immediately recognizing the deep voice of her former supervisor.

"…_Sara?"_

"Hey…" She managed feebly. She could feel those stupid tears in her eyes again, and her voice faltered. "How'd you find me?"

"_Gil Grissom gave me your home phone number. I hope it's not a bad time—"_

"No, no, not at all… not a bad time…"

"_That's good... How… uh… how are you dealing?"_ The man seemed unable to think of much else to say, despite the fact he and Sara hadn't spoken in seven years. But somehow, it wasn't really that awkward for either of them. She noted how comforting the dactyloscopy expert's tone of voice had always been, and found that she appreciated it now more than ever.

"Um, not well, I guess. How are you?"

"_Well, as you could imagine, things are pretty wild down here. We're all just getting by, I suppose."_ Sara could almost picture the admittedly handsome man's face as he sighed. "It will be good to see you again…"

"Well—"

"_Sorry Sara, that didn't come out right. I mean, it will be good to see you, but not under these circumstances…"_

"Blaze, this is all my fault…"

"_No, no… it isn't, Sara. Don't start that, it's the last thing you need. I don't blame you for what happened, and I know Julia wouldn't either…"_

Sara laughed scornfully.

"You're kidding, right? Julia _knows_ it's my fault as well as I do. I'm so, _so_ sorry…" Her voice started cracking halfway through, and she bit back a sob. "And Aspen and Neil too…"

"_Shh, Sara, this is hard for everyone. You can't blame yourself, it won't do anything but poison you. If anything, this goes on my back. As soon as you're down here, we'll catch these terrorists… hopefully make things right. Okay?" _His voice was calm, strong… soothing. Sara was beginning to realize just how much he missed it. She nodded vigorously and it was only when she realized she was on the phone and he couldn't see her that she spoke again.

"O-okay. Thanks, Blaze."

"_Sure." _She could feel his sad smile...

"Um, how is Neil holding up?"

"_Neil? Well, I'll be honest with you, he's in rough shape. But he's alive, and the burn specialist doctors at Central say he's doing well, and there's a chance he'll heal up well enough to live normally and even return to work. He got lucky- he had left the scene he, Julia and Aspen were processing because he dropped a case of print powder on the way in. He was just coming back when the bomb exploded; a good 25 meters from the initiation point."_

"Wow…" Sara suddenly felt sick. Her head felt like it was spinning.

"_But let's not talk about it over the phone. I don't want to upset you before you even get here. Leave the messy stuff for another day." _Blaze paused before changing the subject. _"I missed you, you know… we should have kept in touch."_

Sara's face cracked into a watery smile. She sniffled. "I know, I know. Sorry."

Blaze chuckled lightly over the line and she wondered how he was so strong. He'd always been that way; optimistic and accepting, at peace with the world. She envied him for that. It was a moment before Sara noticed that there was a voice in the background on his end, and if she heard right, they were calling Blaze.

'_Hey Evans! You need to see this!"_ Blaze sighed and probably put his hand over the receiver because his reply was muffled. Sara heard him call back: _"Be right there."_

"_Hey Sara, listen, I have to be off- duty's calling me again. I'll see you Sunday, alright? I'll be at the international airport to pick you up."_

"Alright Evans." She smiled, remembering the way she used to call him by his last name too. "Thanks. We'll get through it together."

"_For sure. Take care of yourself."_

And they both hung up. Sara just stood staring at the phone then out the window above their bed for a while, and finally Nick came up behind her. His arms snaked around her waist and he whispered in her ear. "Better?"

She nodded.

"Thanks."

* * *

The next morning, Sara started packing her bags to be shipped ahead of time to her new apartment in San Francisco. Blaze had arranged the one bedroom flat downtown for her when he'd called Grissom to request her transfer. Grissom had called her earlier and let her know where to have her stuff sent. Nick, who had been helping her pack, had left a little while ago for the lab. He was going to request his own transfer to San Francisco, and Sara hoped that he'd soon be packing up his belongings to come with her. 

Sara finished taping up another box of clothes and added it to the mounting stack near the door. It was then that she realized she hadn't confirmed her flight yet. She sighed, wiping a bead of sweat off her brow and putting the tape down on the mattress on her way to the phone. Remembering the number for the airline company was in her pocket, she pulled it from the back of her pants and dialed. A recording answered.

"_Hello, and thank you for using America West Airlines! If you are calling to confirm a flight, press 1—_" Sara removed the wireless phone from her ear and pressed 1.

"_Please enter the 18 digit confirmation number on the back of your ticket now, followed by the pound key._"

Sara flipped the folded note from her pants open, hoping she'd copied the number somewhere in the scrawl that covered the sheet. Finding it, she entered it into the phone, then the pound key.

"_Thank you for _bleep! _-ming your flight!"_ Sara frowned, wondering what the beep was. She looked at the display on the phone. Nick was calling. She pressed the flash button.

"Hey Nicky."

"_Hey Sar."_ He sighed. _"I've got some bad news."_

"Not more…"

"_I can't get a transfer to San Francisco. Gris wouldn't even let me put in for one, actually."_

"What! That asshole! I'm going to call him right now—"

"_Sar- the SFPD isn't allowing any transfers in or out until the airport bombing is solved. There's nothing either of us can do."_

"But they're letting me transfer! They even _requested_ me to come! Not that I had any choice or anything—"

"_Yeah, but that's just it. They asked you to. But they're not letting anyone else in. I'll be home in a minute, I'm just parking."_

" 'kay." Sara sniffled, just wishing she could get a handle on all these emotions. She had never cried so much in her life as she had in the past 24 hours. Something inside her told her it was because it had been a long time since she had to leave anything worth keeping behind.

* * *

_**Flashback**_

"Grissom." Nick stuffed his car keys into his coat pocket as he flagged the nightshift supervisor down in the hallway. To his surprise, he actually stopped and turned around.

"Nick, what are you doing here? You asked for two personal days, and I gave them to you." He put the case folder he'd been carrying under his arm as he spoke.

"Can I talk to you in your office?" Nick ignored Grissom's question, pressing on. He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment and shaking his head ever so slightly. "It's important."

Grissom too, sighed; he was clearly tired. It occurred to Nick that he'd probably been there for over 14 hours. But he agreed. "Meet me there in five."

"Thanks." Nick replied, and they each went their own way; Grissom presumably toward the DNA lab for a quick checkup on the team's evidence. Eventually he made it to the entomologist's office, where he took a seat in the chair Sara had sat in the day before. He was thinking about her, and even sitting in the same chair as she seemed to bring him closer to her. Part of him wished she was there with him.

"What do you need, Nick?" Grissom entered the office shortly, glancing at Nick quickly before setting down a stack of evidence folders on his desk. He took a seat behind it, and removed his glasses like he always did when he was frustrated. If this conversation was about what he thought it would be, it was going to be a difficult one.

"I'd like to apply for a transfer to San Francisco." Nick stated simply. "I have the paperwork done, all I need is your approval."

Grissom made no move to hide his sharp intake of air- he knew it. "Nick, about that—"

"Gris, please, just sign it…" Nick pleaded impatiently. The supervisor held up a hand to stop him.

"The SFPD isn't allowing any transfers in or out until this is solved, Nick. I'm sorry."

"What? But Sara—"

"Sara was requested. She is needed as a witness, as well as a CSI. Nick, listen… You know as well as I do that this is going to be hard for her. She doesn't need you there as a reminder of how she's affecting the team—"

"You just don't want me near her! You listen to _me_ now Gil; she pined over you for years, and all you did was push her away. Now that she's happy, you want to take that away from her! Don't lie to me just so that she'll have to go through it alone!"

"Nick, I'm not lying to you. They really aren't allowing transfers."

"Fine. See you Monday, _boss_." Nick's blood boiled in his veins. He stood up and walked from the office without a second glance at the man who sat behind the desk, slamming the door behind him.

Grissom leant his forehead in his hand as the door shot closed. For the first time in recent memory, a solitary tear ran down his aging cheek. But it wasn't of self pity.

_I'm sorry_.

* * *

**A/N:**Please let me know what you think: love it or hate it, it's great to get feedback. 

Until next time,

-Sahariah


	5. Embers of Eden

**A/N: **(Quite possibly the shortest a/n I'll ever write...) Embers of Eden is a song by Bruce Cockburn. I don't own it. Sadly. This chapter contains some Catherine/Sara friendship, and a hint more of Grissom confusion and angst… XD Oh, and for everyone who enjoyed the episode 'Gum Drops', gojoin the fanlisting! The link is in my profile!Please enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Embers of Eden

* * *

Sara sat with a mug of hot chocolate on the oversized loveseat that faced the bay window she and Nick liked to look out of together. On her lap was an old photo album; a project that Aspen had talked her into compiling years ago. Truth be told, she wasn't a scrap-booking person. But she did it because it was their project. Something they did together. 

Sara flipped the cover open. It had been almost seven years since she had last looked at the picture on the first page. Or any of them, for that matter. Somehow, she managed a smile back at the photo; portraying herself and an old best friend. Aspen stood beside her at the foot of the Golden Gate Bridge, the wind blowing their hair in their faces. Sara's arm wrapped around the tall blonde. Looking back on it, it wasn't until ten months ago that she'd felt as happy as she had when that picture had been taken.

Nick walked into the room with his own cup of hot chocolate, and Sara looked up with a smile. "Hey Nicky."

"Hey Sunshine." He took a seat beside her on the couch and she leaned into him. "Whatcha looking at?" Nick nodded in the direction of the colourful book she'd closed again as he'd entered.

"Oh… um… my scrapbook, I guess," she answered sheepishly. He took a sip of his hot chocolate and asked, pleasantly surprised:

"You have a scrapbook?" Sara smiled back at him and opened the cover again. It was the first time anyone but Aspen had seen its contents, and at the moment, she was glad to share.

"Yeah, just this one. I'm not really a scrapbook person, but it was something Aspen and I put together on Sunday nights. She has one too. That's us at the Golden Gate." She pointed to the panoramic photo she'd been looking at just before he came in.

"Wow, you look kind of different… really young, I guess." Nick commented without thinking. Sara elbowed him in the ribs and he spilled hot chocolate down his front.

"Sorry Nicky. Didn't mean for you to spill." She laughed, a grin escaping her lips for the first time in almost two days. He smirked playfully back at her, glad to see she seemed to be a little better. He placed his hot chocolate on the ground away from their feet so it wouldn't get hit before fussing for a moment over his white shirt, trying to soak up the chocolate stain with a large wad of tissues. Finally giving up, he pulled the shirt over his head and threw it over the back of the couch.

"Now we're talkin'." Sara commented teasingly, not at all hiding the fact that she interested. Nick chuckled and put an arm around her, kissing her softly on the cheek.

"So is this Aspen, then?" He pointed to the woman beside Sara in the photo.

"My sister... Yeah, that's her."

"Wow, you two are some knockout team. She's really pretty…" Nick said to himself. Sara smiled sadly, hearing his words loud and clear.

"Yeah, she is isn't she? I always wished I looked like her." Her fingertip caressed the woman's shoulder. She had bright blonde hair that reached mid-back, and the bluest eyes Nick had ever seen. A crystal white smile adorned her flawless face. What Nick really noticed, however, was how radiant Sara looked in the photo. She was happy. He wondered if she'd ever been that happy with him.

* * *

_And the embers of Eden burn  
You can even see it from space  
And the great and winding wall between us  
Seem to copy the lines of your face

* * *

_

Sara too stared at the photo; however her thoughts were occupied by times past. She laughed as she remembered something she hadn't thought about in years. Nick snapped out of his abstraction as Sara began speaking once more, hoping she hadn't noticed the longing stare he'd held on the page.

"I remember one day… we were on a case in an alley behind the headquarters of two rival fashion giants. DB dump… but there must have been 12 people who saw us through their office windows… they all came down to ask her if she was interested in modeling. Two of them got into a little catfight over it." Nick looked from the photo to Sara, chuckling. But part of him worried that she was talking about the woman as if she were still alive. "It was hilarious… she got all flustered too. I think it really embarrassed her."

Sara turned the page. A group shot of her old team back in San Francisco adorned the folio leaf, and a heading read _The Team_. Nick counted twelve people, four of which were obviously lab techs if their uniform white coats were any indication. Sara pointed to each person, explaining briefly who they were and occasionally what they were like.

"Over here on the far right is Blaze Evans… you know about him- Graveyard shift supervisor and Dactyloscopy expert… to the left of him are Adelaide, Michael and Helen… they're CSI's, but I didn't work with them very much. They were all really nice, though. Helen had a bit of a hot temper. Adelaide was transferred to Memphis just before I left. I'm right there next to Helen, and beside me is Aspen… On the bottom row... Julia is on the far right, and Neil is on the far left. Between them are our lab techs: Gary, Acadia, Bailey and Ryan."

"Wow, you had a pretty sizable team." Nick stated, noting their mere five CSIs in comparison.

"Mm, not really… we're really understaffed here. Which is why we always put in so much overtime." Sara adjusted her head in the crook of his shoulder and closed the book.

"This is so surreal. It's been almost two days, but I still don't think it's really hit me. I mean… I cry, but…"

"I know. It hasn't hit me yet either. I don't think I'll really believe anything is different until I wake up without my Sara in my arms." Nick frowned, but Sara gave a sad smile. He'd referred to her as his, and in the third person.

"Nick… will you still love me when I get back?" Sara asked him seriously. She wasn't looking for a compliment, but rather reassurance that he wouldn't leave her.

"Of course. Don't ask such silly questions, Sar." Nick chuckled and messed up her hair. She crunched her eyes closed, trying to keep it out of her eyes. When he finally stopped, she had a real authentic bed-head look going on. She patted the back of her head lightly, trying to reflatten her hair as he considered asking her the same question, but decided against it. As much as he needed the same reassurance, part of him didn't want to force such a promise on her… even if he knew she'd make it.

"Thanks, Nicky." Her tone was sarcastic, and she cocked an eyebrow.

"Sorry. But even with hurricane hair, you're still the most beautiful woman in the universe, Sidle." Nick grinned, closing in and capturing her lips in a warm kiss. "God, I'm gonna miss you."

"I'll miss you too… more than you can imagine." Sara kissed him back with equal fervor, her hands exploring his bare chest, fingers tracing every outline. She wanted to burn him into her mind permanently… and his being would always be with her…

"I'll come home as soon as I can."

* * *

_And the awful tolling, and the cold rain outside…  
And I cannot scrape this dream off my eyes… __

* * *

_

The morning of her final day in Vegas, Sara made her last trip with Nick to the lab to clean out her desk and locker. The whole building was emotional as hell, even Ecklie and Sophia (to her honest surprise) seemed cheerless. Sara knew it would be her last chance to talk to Catherine before she left, so she flagged her down after she, Nick and Greg had emptied her small desk.

"Hey Cath, do you think I could talk to you for a minute?"

"Yeah, sure… do you need a hand with those?" Catherine saw Sara stumbling with a tall load of plastic crates and lifted one of the large Rubbermaid tubs from her arms. Sara sighed in momentary relief; the load had been extremely heavy.

"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks."

"Nick and Warrick should be helping you carry this stuff out." The blonde rolled her eyes impatiently, throwing a glance over her shoulder, trying to detect the pair.

"I think Sophia is having a word with them." Sara sighed, pushing her way through the glass doors of the lab to the parking lot with her box.

"Hm." Catherine grunted, suddenly blasé at the mention of Sophia's name. Sara smiled inwardly, having carried similar feelings towards the detective herself. Finally the pair made it with the Rubbermaids to Nick's department issued Tahoe. They slid their loads into the back without much conversation. When the task was complete, Catherine spoke.

"So, what's on your mind?"

Sara sighed, looking at her soon to be former coworker straight in the eye. "I know you and I haven't always gotten along well, and before I leave… I just wanted to apologize for that… I, uh… know that I can get unreasonable. I hope that maybe we can be a little closer now that we aren't really working together anymore."

"Wow." Catherine looked surprised, but there was a friendly smile on her face. "I… uh, I'm sorry too Sara." She sighed, choosing her next statement carefully. "…You're right… and honestly, I'm sure I get difficult too. This place doesn't exactly make it easier." The blonde chucked in spite of herself, putting a hand on Sara's shoulder and enveloped her into a hug. "Thanks, Sara."

Sara smiled, glad they were on the same page. Tears began to fill her eyes again, and she cursed inwardly- as much as she was now willing to be open with Catherine, she still wasn't ready to be seen crying. She swallowed the overflowing emotion as best she could and continued with a sniff.

"Look out for Nick for me, will you? We both know he's a real softy." Sara gave her a watery smile as they pulled away.

"Of course. And you look after yourself, okay? Call me if you need someone to talk to."

"I will. Thank you." Sara was mildly surprised to see tears welling in Catherine's eyes too, and she wasn't making any move to hide them. Guilt had began piling those familiar bricks upon her back again when Greg popped his head round the side of the Tahoe, causing both women to jump.

"Hey Sara, Warrick suggested I give you one of these to remember me by— oh, sorry…" The quirky lab tech-turned-CSI held out one of his glossy semi-pornographic magazines for Sara, but pulled it back when he realized Catherine was there. But the blonde was too quick for him.

"Oh, what's this, Greggo? Hmm…" Catherine snatched the magazine from his clutches and studied the cover with slight interest. "I thought the new Greg didn't read these anymore._ Big and Juicy._ Interesting." She cocked an eyebrow in his direction, reading out the cover, unfazed.

"Give-me-that…" Greg grabbed the magazine back from her and hid it behind his back. "I don't read them. I used to. It was a joke."

"I'm sure…" Catherine raised both her eyebrows suggestively and started back toward the lab. "I'll leave Greg to embarrass himself in front of you without witnesses, Sara. I'll see you in a few minutes, I think the whole team is coming to see you off at the airport."

"Okay, thanks Cath." Sara laughed, wiping tears of former sorrow and current laughter from her face before smiling at Greg and holding her hand out for the magazine.

"You don't want this thing…"

"What ever are you talking about Greg… I need reading material for the plane. And as you said, it's something to remember you by." She grinned, leaning on the back end of Nick's Tahoe. "I'm not leaving forever, you know." She added.

"I know. But I'll miss you." Greg handed her the magazine with a smirk and gave her a hug.

"Thanks, Greg… I'll miss you too. You have my new phone number. Call me, okay?"

"Will do. Do you have everything?"

"Yeah, I think so. Most of my stuff has already been shipped ahead of me… Nick is going to send these along tomorrow." Sara turned to close the back of the truck, and Greg stepped up to help her. She could do it alone and they both knew it, but it was a small gesture she appreciated none the less.

"C'mon, why don't you come say goodbye to everyone?" Greg suggested, putting his hand on the small of her back and guiding her back to the lab.

"Cath said they're all coming to see me off at the airport in an hour."

"Yeah, but still." Greg smiled in her direction, and she caught his eye.

"Okay."

* * *

"Look after yourself, girl. Come back soon." Warrick swathed Sara in a hug in the middle of the break room, where every person who'd shared a relationship with her had gathered: Catherine, Grissom, Nick, Doc Robbins, David, Archie, Mia, Wendy, Hodges and even Ecklie. Truthfully, she was surprised and a little overwhelmed that this meant so much to everyone that they were willing (and permitted by Ecklie) to take an hour out from what would be work or sleeping time to see her off.

"Thanks, 'Rick. You too. And keep my Nicky out of trouble." She replied, eyeing the man in question over Warrick's shoulder, a smile twitching at her lips ever so slightly. Nick grinned back at her and winked, savoring her use of the possessive adjective.

"I'll stay out of trouble… I don't need the king of trouble itself looking out for me." He joked. Sara threw him a look and moved on to Mia, then Wendy. She shared a hug with each of Doc Robbins, David, Archie, Catherine, and finally Hodges, who afterward looked far too pleased with himself than one should after a (barely) friendly arm lock. The whole room rolled their eyes inwardly.

Ecklie was next in line. "Bye Conrad." Sara managed a smile and pulled him into a hug. To her surprise, it was not returned halfheartedly.

"Take care of yourself. You'll get through it."

"Thanks. You too."

The whole room seemed to hold their breath when Sara reached the last person; Grissom. She hesitated for a moment and noticed that he did too, but they still pulled each other into close embrace. The hug was friendly, nothing more, and she could feel in his touch how difficult it seemed to be for him not to hold her closer.

* * *

_And I can't scrape my eyes free of this dream…

* * *

_

'_I'm sorry Sara,_' Grissom whispered into her ear so quietly that no one else could hear. She frowned, her logic kicking in as she attempted to analyze what her supervisor had just said. When they finally pulled away, he spoke louder as if for the benefit of the room, not her.

"You're a great CSI Sara… and a better person than I could hope to be. Take care… come home soon." Grissom managed a sad smile, and for the first time in all the years she'd known him, his face bared real emotion; manifest and revealing. Pain. Sorrow. Guilt.

"Thank you." Sara answered, the sad smile she'd been wearing for most of the morning not leaving her face. She still wasn't entirely certain what he had apologized for- was he sorry for all the times he'd hurt her? Sorry for what they had and hadn't become? That half her old team back in San Francisco was dead? Not wanting to upset herself further, she forced the musings to the back of her mind, knowing full heartedly that she'd be foolish not to admit she'd be unable to prevent herself mulling over it later. But right now… she didn't want to think about him, or the past. What's done was done. Her thoughts lay on the future.

* * *

_And the great and winding wall between us,_

_Seems to copy…_

_The lines of your face…_

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** This isn't going to be GSR. Not even a little bit. :) Anyways, please tell me what you think- drop me a review! Thanks!

Until next time...

-Sahariah


	6. Where the Streets Have no Name

**A/N:** 'Where the Streets have no name'- U2. Don't own it. Although I'm a lifetime fan. (Yay, U2... my favourite band...) XD. This chapter is a little short, I apologize for that. It just suited it better.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Please enjoy and, as always, let me know at the end- love it or hate it!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Where the Streets have no name

* * *

She still couldn't believe she'd be on a plane in half an hour; back to her old life in less than three. Sara was scared as hell, but fear was only one of the many emotions that seemed to pour from her chestnut eyes like clear cascades. They were red and bloodshot, aching with images of the past, but even more so those of the present. She was leaving him behind… Even if only for a little while, the idea of being away from him brought back the familiar turmoil to her stomach she'd experienced over the past two days with more intensity than she'd felt since Nick's abduction.

* * *

_I want to run…_

_I want to hide…_

_I want to tear down the walls,_

_That hold me inside…

* * *

_

Her whole body shook as she fought the urge to sprint to the nearest bathroom. He held her tightly, like he had so many times before. He buried his face in her sweet smelling curls, savoring ever moment in her arms as he fought the same urge to purge his body of the ache- the emptiness that had already began to consume him.

"I may not be any longer than a month…" Sara finally whispered, trying to convince herself as much as him that things would be okay; she'd be back soon and would no longer have to deal with the death she was about to experience so personally.

"It doesn't matter." Nick whispered back into her ear. He'd grown so used to thinking about her… memorizing her touch, her smell… not waking up with her in his arms was a prospect he didn't think he'd ever be ready to face. A tear ran down his own cheek as his emotions finally began to surface. Somehow it had been difficult for him to drop the happy and natural act around the rest of the team as they'd said their goodbyes. It had become a behaviour he had so often practiced at the lab following his abduction that it seemed fitting to keep the barrier up. But Sara always tore it down.

* * *

_I want to feel sunlight on my face_

_I see the dust cloud disappear, _

_Without a trace…_

_I want to take shelter from the poison rain_

_Where the streets have no name… _

_

* * *

_

"I know." She almost laughed as she agreed. It really didn't make any difference; she could have been going halfway across the globe. They'd feel the same anyway- terrified of loosing each other. In the back of her head, she wondered what had come over her. Had the antisocial Sara Sidle really become so needy that it was painful for her to let go if only for a short period? _No…_ she told herself. It wasn't being needy or clingy… not after _that_.

Nick managed a sad smile, reading her mind from the fragile look she gave him. "It's okay." His voice was comforting. She wrapped her arms around him again and leant her head on his shoulder, and he let her cry, holding her still closer as his fingers brushed stray bits of raven hair from her face.

* * *

"You'd think someone was dead or something." Hodges muttered to himself as the rest of the team watched as Nick finally bid Sara farewell from behind the airport gates. He received disgusted looks from no less than nine people scorning his poor taste, and recoiled uncomfortably. "Bad joke."

"_Not_ a joke." Greg looked like he'd enjoy slugging him one, his eyes, uncharacteristically melancholy, sparking with a sudden spite of anger.

A tear ran down Catherine's face as she watched the couple with the group from afar. She could see Sara shaking in Nick's arms, probably sobbing. She remembered the pain in Nick's eyes while Sara had said her goodbyes to everyone- the way he'd hid his face after assuring her jokingly that he'd stay out of trouble and didn't need _the king of it_ to look out for him. Warrick came up from behind Catherine and wrapped an arm around her thin form.

"They'll be okay. Sara is strong, and so is Nick." He assured her.

"This just shouldn't be so… emotional for everyone. I can't understand why it is… we've been separated before; _they've _been separated before—"

"Cath, look at what they've been through…" Warrick sighed, shaking his head. A lengthy silence followed, cut short when he spoke again. "They were together before Nick was abducted—"

"They're worried about loosing each other again." Greg interjected, staring straight ahead, his expression more pensive now than anything else. The team was surprised to hear him pipe up.

"They were together before his abduction?" This piece of information was new to Catherine's ears, but she supposed it made sense, given the fact that the pair had taken to spending more time together outside of work following the shift split.

"Yeah. But they both hate talking about it- I don't think they even bring his abduction up amongst themselves. I didn't know about it either, until Nick let it slip recently. Just thought they missed each other."

A sigh echoed from behind the closely knit pack; Grissom had finally wandered back after disappearing for a while.

"I knew."

* * *

_It's all I can do_

…_All I can do…

* * *

_

Finally an announcement was called on the PA system, requesting that all passengers for flight 748 to San Francisco please begin boarding the plane at gate H12. Sara had dried up; her tears had ceased falling and she remained in Nick's arms, rocking back and forth with him rhythmically. Reluctantly, she moved her head from his shoulder and pulled away, if only by a few inches.

"I love you." Nick placed a kiss on her lips as she drew away. "Come back home to me soon, okay? And we'll sing stupid love songs in the car… Dance in the rain until we're drenched…"

Sara couldn't help but smile, remembering what he was referring to. Their first date… had been far from normal. Country songs she thought she never could like… blasting from the stereo as they hummed incoherently… getting a flat in the middle of a rare Vegas rainstorm… Times gone past. She wanted to relive every one of them at that very moment.

"God, that was so much fun." She intertwined her fingers with his between them. "I love you too. I'll be back soon… and we'll run through a sprinkler in the middle of the night to simulate the rain if we have to."

The both laughed.

The PA gave a last call for the boarding of Sara's flight, and she knew she had to go. Nick pulled her tightly into one last hug before she left.

"Never leave me?" Tears finally leaked again from Nick's smiling eyes as she started down the hallway to the gates with her carry on luggage. For a moment, he wasn't sure she'd heard him, but she did turn back to smile genuinely.

"Never."

* * *

_We're beaten and blown by the wind,_

_Trampled in dust…_

_I'll show you a place,_

_High on a desert plain,_

_Where the streets have no name… _

_

* * *

_

**A/N: **See the little purple/blue-ish button in the bottom left corner of your screen? It's calling you. :) Penny for your thoughts. Please let me know what you think!

Until next time,

-Sahariah


	7. Night Train

NOTE: I just re posted this new chapter because I realized it had some errors in it... hopefully I got them all! Sorry about that.

* * *

**A/N:** Not much to say besides thanks a million for all the reviews- they just blow me away every time. (hugs to everyone!) Night Train- Bruce Cockburn. Don't own it. Don't own CSI either. Which is a depressing thought. Anyway, onward!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Night Train

* * *

Sara smiled in spite of herself as she walked steadily toward the plane entrance, putting on a brave face as a flight hostess took her ticket, tore the reservation piece off, and handed it back to her. 

"Thank you, ma'am. Have a pleasant flight."

Sara offered the uniformed woman a tight lipped smile as she accepted the ticket with a nod before stepping on board. She took in the seventy-something seats of the relatively small aircraft with little joy. Her dark eyes flickered for a moment back to the pass in her hand and she searched fleetingly for a seat number. _E6_.

She looked back up, and spotted the row labeled "_E_" a few sets down from the entrance. Pleased when she found that _E6_ was a window seat on the right side of the plane, Sara sat down, keeping her small backpack on her lap; she'd later appreciate having something remotely huggable in front of her. She wouldn't enjoy taking off. She never did.

A kind looking man walked past Sara's row, staring intently at his ticket before halting abruptly and taking two steps back in the bustle of passengers boarding the plane. He searched for the seat sign and quickly displayed a smile that told her he'd found what he was looking for.

"Row E. Perfect." Unlike Sara, he stuffed what appeared to be a laptop case into the overhead storage before taking a seat right beside her.

"Good Morning."

Her eyes seemed to jump as the greeting directed brought her back to earth.

"Oh, uh, hello." Sara managed a sheepish smile before hastily unwrapping her arms from her backpack absentmindedly.

"Like a furnace today, hey? Don't think San Fran will be much better, but I suppose it's coastal…"

"Yeah. It'll be cooler than here." She caught the man's eye and suddenly found herself wishing that he'd stop talking to her. More than anything, She wanted to be alone with her thoughts- no matter how little she trusted herself with them.

"You a local?"

"Erm, yeah… or well, I _was_, anyway."

The man chuckled politely, removing a pair of what were probably fairly high end sunglasses from atop his peasant cap and sliding them into his breast pocket. "Las Vegas local- with all the tourists like me that supposedly come here annually, it's a wonder there are so many permanent residents."

Her mouth contorted into a tight lipped smile. Unable to think of much else to say, she just agreed. "True."

Just before the social man could continue their conversation, the captain clicked onto the speakers. Sara sighed in inward relief. Her thoughts were so preoccupied that she barely heard the pilot speaking. A young child's wail stung her ears momentarily, but she hardly noticed.

"_A good morning to all of you here on flight 748, this is your captain Pierre speaking. As conditions stand at present, the flight to Reno should take 45 minutes. From there, we're expecting a half hour delay before flying back west to San Francisco, thanks in part to extremely high wind speeds and a high degree of turbulence in the area. We appologise for this in advance, and if there is anything we can do to make your experience better, please do not hesitate to use the page button above each of your seats. I'm told that there is a short in-flight movie; My Big Fat Greek Wedding."_ The voice over the speakers chuckled. Sara had never seen the movie, but Greg had told her it was a good one. But the captain quickly collected himself again and continued._ "Please enjoy the flight; we'll be back on the speaker closer to landing time. Thank you for using America West."_

And he clicked off.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you could direct your attention to the front of the plane, we'll run through our emergency procedures with you before takeoff." A petite flight attendant decked out in an America West uniform piped up almost immediately after the captain had finished, throwing an attention grabbing arm in the air above her head. In her hand she held a copy of the pretty standard safety manual that had been tucked into the back of every seat. Sara sighed inwardly and obediently took the manual from the seat in front of her, leaving it unopened on her lap as she watched the woman demonstrate how to do up a seatbelt.

She desperately wanted to sleep. To remove herself, if even only for a little, from the reality of her situation. Maybe she'd dream about Nick…

………

"Ma'am, would you like some pretzels?"

Sara woke from her doze to see a pleasant looking flight attendant hunched over the other two people who sat closer to the aisle than her. She must have actually dropped off during the demonstration; and the woman hadn't noticed she was asleep. Probably because she was curled up facing the wall; it looked like she was merely staring out the window with some degree of concentration. Sara blinked the sleep from her eyes before answering. She couldn't have been asleep for long.

"Oh, um, yeah… sure. Thanks." Her voice was something between a whisper and normal speech- probably verging on too quiet for the flight attendant to hear well. But if she didn't hear Sara well, she handed her a small packet of the typical airplane sustenance anyway.

"Anything to drink?"

"Coffee… would be nice."

The woman popped a small notebook from her belt and jotted something down, then tore out the sheet and handed it to her. "Hang on to this and just leave it on your seat when we land, alright?" Another woman pushed up a sizable drink trolley loaded with cans of pop, water, and tall thermoses from behind.

"Thanks."

Sara looked back out her window; the desert sky was still stained with darkness even at this altitude; the sun just rising. The flight attendant interrupted her observation as she placed a Styrofoam cup of coffee on the little pull down table that dropped down from the seat in front of her.

"It might be a little too hot…"

"No, no… don't worry about it." The brunette answered absent mindedly, struggling to peel her eyes off the window beside her even to thank the woman. But she accepted the drink with a nod, and held the war cup in her admittedly shaking hands. It was so warm, but as she stared back out the window, the downpour that came was cold as the frost of the past…

* * *

_Ice cube in a dark drink shines like star light,_

_Starlight shines like glass shards in dark hair…_

_And in the absence of a vision…_

… _There are nightmares… _

_

* * *

_

"Hey Cath… can I talk to you a sec?" Nick had hung at the back of the group as they found their way back to the airport parking lot. The others had solemnly granted his silent request to be left alone for a few minutes and walked ahead, leaving him to stroll unhurriedly in their wake, gathering his thoughts. The slender blonde woman turned upon hearing her name, catching the attention of Warrick, who had stayed at her side. She nodded for him to keep walking as she waited up for Nick, a compassionate look crossing her face.

"Sure Nicky."

The pair just ambled along together in shared silence for a while, and eventually they lost sight of everyone. Nick wasn't sure how to ask what he was about to, or even if Catherine would know the answer if he did. Actually, he was just about certain Catherine didn't have the answer. But he couldn't get the vision out of his head… He couldn't stand the thought of Sara crying… and him not being there to wipe the tears…

* * *

_And the mind's eye tumbles out along the steel track…_

_Fixing every shadow with its stare… _

_

* * *

_

Finally it was too much for him to take, and he blurted it out.

"Cath, level with me- _is_ she going to be okay? Can she handle this?"

Catherine stopped dead in her tracks, and traced the lines of his dark eyes with her own. There was something there- something she'd never seen before. And for the first time in a long time, she knew she couldn't answer with the certainty that science provided…

"Look Nicky… Sara's a good CSI, and she's seen this stuff before. We all have—"

Nick gave her a look that told her he knew she wasn't really answering him. She let out a heavy sigh; not in frustration, but more in thought.

"I don't know. I think so, but…"

* * *

_And in the absence of a vision…_

_There are nightmares… _

_

* * *

_

"We all have our demons… and she's gone off to fight hers…"

* * *

The talkative man who sat beside Sara on the flight chatted at her for nearly the entire duration of the trip, something that probably should have bothered her. But it provided a constant humming of white noise that again graciously put her to sleep. When she finally woke up again, she found that she was wearing a pair of glasses she'd never seen before, and a kid sitting just behind her chuckled. Confused, she removed them and rolled her eyes when she realized the glasses had trick lenses that gave your eyes an 'always open' look. Hardly caring that she'd been _pranked_ (if you could call it that), Sara handed the glasses over the rear of her seat wordlessly, back to the eight year old boy that still giggled girlishly. She figured she napped through nearly the entire flight, because she didn't remember landing in Reno, and the guy to her left that still had yet to stop talking took the liberty of informing her that they were about ten minutes from San Francisco. 

Sara just sat silently in her chair waiting to land, still politely ignoring the stranger next to her as she mulled over her thoughts once again; there was no point in making an effort now- in half an hour it would be unlikely that she'd ever see him again anyway.

Her mind's view drifted briefly over Grissom- what had he meant earlier when he told her he was _sorry_? Somehow, she doubted she'd ever know, unless she questioned him directly. And even then, the guy was an expert at avoidance; both of questions and occasionally… reality. But thinking about it made her feel better, because it frustrated her. The frustration was a welcome change to the guilt. Anger was better than sadness… that inner fury was what had gotten her through all the shit she'd dealt with in the past, Nick's abduction included. But she didn't want to shut herself off from the world again. Anger too often turned into the bitter cold isolation that only her Vegas Texan had managed to melt… and if he wasn't going to be around…

Her stomach lurched. A combination of turbulence and sudden drop in altitude that seemed so extreme it felt like a nosedive, and the self destructive thoughts that filled her head upon contemplation on life without Nick.

It hadn't even been three hours, and already she wasn't sure if she could handle much more. But she'd get through it.

* * *

…_whose banner waves over palaces and mean streets…_

_And the rhythm of the night train…_

_Is a mantra… _

_

* * *

_

Finally walking off the plain in a bit of a stupor, Sara clutched tightly the strap of the backpack that swung round her shoulder. A familiar voice greeted her almost immediately as she exited the gates. She searched the crowd for the source of the address, holding a stubborn smile to her face that she hoped came across holding more warmth than what she felt at her lips. But something flipped inside her when her deep eyes found him.

"Blaze!"

* * *

A/N: Looking back on it, I suppose I may have downplayed some of the other stuff in Sara's past… (Her childhood, etc)... I guess it's just not entirely relevant, yet anyway. 

Bit of a filler chapter, but it needed something; if only to delve just a little into Sara's thoughts and the Catherine/Nick confidant relationship.:) Sorry for the cliffie… scream at me in your review, please? (grins) Thanks for reading, I'll be back soon with another chapter! (or two… :))

Until next time…

-Sahariah

(Oh, and a shiny penny for NTC (Cat)- Couldn't reply to your review, but thanks. :) )


	8. Texarkana

**A/N:** Texarkana is a song by the awesome Canadian band,** R.E.M**. Don't own it, and sadly, I didn't even know what 'Texarkana' was until I looked it up. (sigh…) I'm not a Geoggers fan. (Geography.) But the song was suiting, besides the fact that Sara was not going to Texas… or Arkansas…

Anyway, I'm rather fond of this chapter…it's longer than usual, mostly to make up for the slightly shorter than usual chapter 7. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did planning and writing it! Let me know your thoughts!

* * *

**Chapter Title**: Texarkana

* * *

"Sara! You look great!"

"Well, besides my running mascara, achy sinuses and hair akin to bed head, I feel it too." Sara smiled at the man before her as she set her backpack down on the floor. Blaze Evans stood a tall 6'1, dwarfing her by about four inches, with russet brown hair so dark it was almost black. His eyes were a piercing but light cobalt, and his tone was kindly, voice tinged with the remnants of an English accent that she'd always found comforting; she'd forgotten how much so.

He was clean cut and shaven, but she couldn't help but notice that his admittedly handsome face was slimmer, paler than she remembered it. He would have looked a little gaunt had it not been for the brilliant smile he'd plastered on his face upon greeting her.

Sara sighed affectionately, and pulled the taller man into an embrace. "How you doing, Evans?"

"Never better, Sara. Boy it's great to see you again." Blaze pulled away so he could see her as he spoke. Sara gave him a look that implied she didn't believe he was speaking the truth. But considering the circumstances, it was probably a stupid question anyway. He read her expression, and without missing a beat, corrected himself.

"…As well as one could be at present moment, dear. Yourself?"

"Dealing." She smiled sadly. "And it's great to see you again too. I still can't believe I'm back here, after so many years…"

"You know, you didn't have to leave—"

Sara raised a hand to stop him. "Yes, I did. Blaze, please, I really don't want to talk about that…"

"Alight. Shall we go grab your baggage, then? Here, let me take your sac."

"It's okay, I can carry it."

"Stubborn as ever, I see." Blaze grinned at her and placed a hand on her shoulder as they made their way together to the luggage pickup belts. Sara had forgotten how easily he used to cheer her up on the worst of days, no matter what he had to say. She chuckled, and shook her head at the next thought that crossed her mind. Nick was the only other person who could do that.

"So, what does yours look like?"

"Standard… you know, tall, black…"

"That one?" Blaze pointed to one of about fifteen nearly identical looking black suitcases, cocking an eyebrow at her with a joking smile.

"Um… I'm not sure, actually."

"…Sara…"

"_Just kidding_, Blaze. It has a little gold ribbon round the handle… and uh, a little cowboy hat keychain." She coughed through that last part, unable to suppress a little laugh. Nick's niece back in Texas had sent one to her uncle, and Nick had given it to her, probably about six weeks ago.

"Cowboy hat, huh?" Blaze smiled, but didn't have a chance to press the subject, because at that moment, a black bag with a little gold ribbon and cowboy hat keychain slid onto the conveyer belt. Sara insisted on picking it up and pulling it herself, so Blaze insisted she give him her backpack. After a while, she gave up and agreed, finally following the black-suited man through a security check.

The checkpoints had been put into place for all people coming in and out of the airport since the Oakland bombing that took the lives of two of her former coworkers. It wasn't until they went through the check that she really realized this place was now eerie, even though it wasn't Oakland. It used to be familiar to her, even friendly. Now it was a security intense hellhole full of emotions that she'd never be ready to face. After setting her bags down onto a scanning machine and receiving them back, she followed Blaze Evans out a pair of automatic sliding doors and into an equally familiar parking lot.

After about fifty years of trying to flag down a taxi, one finally picked them up, and Blaze sparked up their conversation again. "So how is Las Vegas? You've been up there for what now… well, it would be six years, correct?"

Sara managed a smile, unable to stay sad around the man for very long. "No, actually… five."

"Five? But you left six years ago—"

"I know. But this year isn't over yet. So it hasn't been six."

"Sidle, why are you always so technical?" He laughed, elbowing her in the arm.

"Ow, Blaze…" Sara rubbed her arm, rolling her eyes as she stared out the window, watching the busy streets bustle by as they sat stuck in early rush-hour traffic. She could have sworn she heard some sort of crashing noise from behind them, but it didn't sound metallic enough for a car accident…Blaze seemed to have heard it too, but chose to ignore it, instead pursuing the one question she had hoped he wouldn't.

"Why did you _really_ leave, Sar?" The longer bangs of his dark hair fell into his intense cobalt eyes as he cocked his head, as if asking her to look at him. Something jumped in her upon hearing this question, and suddenly she was afraid.

"You know exactly why I left, Evans…" She peeled her eyes from the window just long enough to steal a glance at him. "I don't want to talk about it…" Images of Nick flooded her minds eye, and she couldn't bear to look at her old supervisor anymore. Her auburn eyes closed as she took a deep breath, and stared out the window again.

"Look, Sara, can't we start over? I mean, look at this- we all…" he paused and sighed, frustrated. "We all need each other."

"Blaze… I can't do it."

"Sara—"

"That's why I left." More tears were running down her face, and Sara felt powerless to stop them. "I couldn't handle… us."

* * *

_20,000 miles to an oasis_

_20,000 years will I burn_

_20,000 chances I wasted_

_Waiting for the moment to turn… _

_

* * *

_

Back in Las Vegas, Nick lay sprawled on the sofa, trying to watch TV, but having very little success. Grissom had given him another day off; apparently things were slow in the lab anyway. Part of him really wished he could be at work, where there would at least be something to keep his mind busy; evidence, people, questions… Instead, he stared blankly at the box in front of him, not digesting much of the dialogue until he heard the name '_San Francisco_'.

"_There's been another bombing at San Francisco's International Airport in California, speculated to be in connection with the series of unsolved terror attacks against the local law enforcement, a mere hour ago. Police in the area have denied comment for the time being, and fatality information is also being withheld until it can be confirmed with the city's health region. Twelve people were taken to hospital, no word yet on whether any of the victims were actually targeted parties. In weather news—_"

"Oh my _God_… Sara…" Nick's eyes grew wide as he heard this news, and immediately, he looked at his watch. _She should have gotten there an hour and 45 minutes ago, unless her plane was delayed…_ He cringed. Planes were always late. Within seconds, the phone was in his hand and he was frantically dialing Sara's cell number.

One ring…

Two…

Three..

Fou—

"_Sidle._"

Nick's heart jumped at her voice, and the tears that had welled in his eyes finally fell as he fought to catch his breath. He grinned in relief.

"_Sara, you're okay… thank God…_"

"Nicky! What are you talking about, of course I'm okay!"

"_I was just watching the news… apparently another bomb went off at the international airport an hour ago… I was worried your flight was delayed and… well…_"

"_Another bomb went off?_ _Oh God…_" Sara looked at her own watch. Her and Blaze had left the airport an hour and a half ago. Plus whatever time it took to catch a cab. They'd have been lucky to get out of there five minutes before the bomb went off. "_We left maybe five minutes before it went off…_" That must have been what she'd heard just before Blaze started quizzing her about her motives for leaving, despite the fact he knew full well why. She heard Nick take a deep breath, his voice only slightly shakier than her own.

"What? Another bomb?" Blaze couldn't help but hear Sara's frantic speech. Sara motioned 'one minute' as she heard Nick talk again.

"Thank God you're alright… Damn Sar…"

"_Sorry Nick—_"

"No… not your fault… I just can't believe you're in the middle of a bomb field, and I'm not there with you… Please be safe…"

"I will… promise I'll try… I bet you anything we're going to get called in in about two minutes, we're not even out of the _taxi_ yet."

Blaze's cell phone gave a shrill ring, and he answered.

"Evans. Yeah, I thought so. Uh, call it intuition. Heard the explosion as we left. Yeah, we're fine. Any fatalities?" He shook his head, expression desolate. "Three dead, nine injured." A notepad was pulled out, and Sara watched as he jotted down a series of notes. "Officers? No? Alright, good… Do you have any names for me? …. Alright, got them. I'll be there in a half hour, send Kira and her team over early, she can take over until I get there and after I leave; I'm still bringing Sara in. Alright, thanks… bye."

"_Listen, Nick? I have to go, but I'll call you back, alright?_"

"Okay Honey." Having heard most of Blaze's conversation, he didn't question why. "Take care of yourself… Love you."

"_I will… Ditto, and I'll call you back… promise._"

Sara snapped her cell phone closed and looked to the man who sat beside her, his bright eyes penetrating her dark ones, conveying an unspoken message.

"You want me to come?" Sara asked, pulling a few stray strands of curly hair behind her ear as she pushed her phone back into its belt-clasp case.

"No… you should at least get settled in first. Apparently your shipments haven't arrived yet, so if you're okay with it, you're welcome to stay at my place."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. You want to?"

Sara nodded, glad she wouldn't be sleeping on the floor of her new apartment without any furniture around yet. "Thanks, Evans. Are you sure about the scene though? I can grab my kit from my case real quick…"

"No no… I know you want to get started, but tonight… perhaps isn't the night…"

Sara sighed in defeat. "Alright, I get it… how long is your shift?"

"My shift ended three hours ago… they're a bit irregular right now. I'll be gone for two hours, maybe. Kira Johnson will take over… It's her shift anyway; swing."

"You think after we could maybe…" She looked back to the window, then at her feet, unable to meet Blaze's eyes as she spoke. "…go see Neil?"

Blaze smiled pityingly at her and nodded. It was one of the rare occasions she'd shown him a vulnerable side of herself. "Sure."

* * *

_Catch me if I fall…_

* * *

Nick, now certain that he couldn't concentrate on the television, had grabbed a light coat and gone out for a walk to clear his mind. The afternoon sky was slowly fading into darkness, and a light breeze swept his face with a caress so gentle it was akin only to Sara's touch… Everywhere he looked, he detected a trace of her. The nearby kid's park where he had frequently pushed her on the middle swing, the tetherball court where she'd accidentally smacked him in the face with the yellow ball… (he'd carried the bruise of honour for over a week.) …the little bit of green space they looked out on from the window, the hill they looked at the stars from; a rare thing in a city always polluted by neon light, but something they always shared…

* * *

_40,000 stars in the evening…_

_Look at them fall from the sky…_

_40,000 reasons for living…_

_40,000 tears in your eye…_

_I would give my life to find it…_

_I would give it all…_

_Catch me if I fall… _

_

* * *

_

Finally, he got tired of walking and decided to head back. Back at home, Nick was on their loveseat without even taking his coat off. He stared out their window, feeling more alone than he had in a long time. The loneliness was peaceful, sorrowful, but somehow comforting. He actually jumped when his cell phone rang in his pocket. The last thing he wanted was to talk to anyone, and he cursed himself for carrying the stupid thing around with him. Now that it had rung, he'd have to answer it. Annoyed, he checked the caller ID. _Sophia Curtis_…

_What did she want?_

* * *

_Looking for something to learn…_

_30,000 thoughts have replaced it,_

_Never in my time to return…_

* * *

**A/N**: Don't want to say much, because I know I'll give something away… I'm really bad about that. (laughs) I occasionally give hints in review replies... (sigh) :) 

Again, penny for your thoughts! (Haha, Cat… (grins…) ) Even if you hated it, let me know. Feedback is always appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Until Next Time,

-Sahariah


	9. Running To Stand Still

**A/N: **Wow, more than 80 reviews! I'm blown away! I **love** you guys! Thanks so much! This chapter is called '**Running to Stand Still**', named after a song by U2. Oh, and I should probably mention that the artists from the last chapter (REM)aren't Canadian, and my calling them that was a bit of a joke between a friend and I- it wouldn't really make sense to anyone else. So for the record, they're American, from Georgia.:)

This chaptercould probably use some more editing, but I'm exhausted and its rather late... Hope you enjoy and don't want me dead by the end of it. (And hugs to Anushka for being awesome. (laughs)) Happy Holidays!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Running to Stand Still

* * *

"Stokes," Nick sighed into the receiver of his cell as he answered it less than halfheartedly. 

"Hey Nick, its Sofia Curtis."

"Yeah, your name was on the ID... What do you need?" He massaged his temples as he fell back into the loveseat, closing his eyes in mild frustration.

"Just uh… checking up on you, I guess? Few of us were going out for dinner, you're welcome to join us."

"I... uh, don't think so…--"

"C'mon, we'll be an hour. Just you, and me, and a few others. It'll be fun; help you sleep, you know…"

"Sorry Sofia, tonight isn't a good night. I'm uh, really not feeling great. Thanks though... See you tomorrow?" Nick pressed, wanting nothing more than to hang up. Why the hell did Sofia want to go out for dinner with him? She hadn't even been there to see Sara off.

Sofia sounded slightly disheartened, but only for a moment. "…Alright then... if you change your mind, we're atthefancy place on8th.Hope you feel better."

"Thanks."

"Sure, goodnight… oh, and don't worry about Sara."

"Uh, right. Goodnight, then."

"'Night."

Nick snapped his cell phone closed and stared at it like it was a three year old who had just uttered a series of disgusting swear words at him for the fun of it. Sofia hardly ever talked to him unless they were on a case together, and even with the team back together, that rarely happened. And… only hours after his girlfriend had left, she was inviting him to dinner like nothing was the matter. Like Sara being gone was just a superficial scratch on an already bumpy candle or something. It was just plain weird, personally he'd never felt that Sofia had even liked him all that much. If that had been true, although he'd have to be pressed to say something so hurtful to anyone, he would probably have to agree that the feeling was mutual. He shook his head with a tired sigh as he stuffed his phone back into his pocket, deciding to leave it on in case Sara called. She _had_ promised to phone back... even if it was a couple of hours ago. He shifted his weight on the couch, trying without success to get comfortable.

Finally deciding that he'd rather not think about Sofia, Nick decided that his brain had to be running on emotional overdrive- and the suspicions he was forming were probably just the result of his reading into the situation too much. She'd invited him out for a friendly dinner with whoever else was there, it wasn't meant to be anything out of the ordinary.

…But damn it, there was something wrong with that…

* * *

_Sweet the sin…_

_But the bitter taste in my mouth…_

* * *

Sara had unpacked a few sets of clothes in the guest room Blaze had told her to take, deciding not to put them in drawers but instead on top of the antique dresser by the window. Somehow, she didn't think she'd be there long enough for it to be necessary. Well, the part of her that felt guilty about being back in this apartment wanted to believe that. Come to think of it, the room didn't look much different than it had when she last seen it; packing her bags up. Admittedly, that night hadn't been a good one. She'd left for what she thought was the last time the very next morning. Angry with herself, she tried to shove the memory out of her mind. It still made her feel guilty; her actions were incredibly unfair to him. But a mere six years ago, she was vastly emotionally immature, incapable of returning his feelings past what she'd already given him. At the time, running seemed the only solution. 

Sara sat down on the bed and felt the soft comforter between her fingers. There had been so many good times. But now… a sickly sweet sorrow…

* * *

_She is running to stand still…_

* * *

_A 28 year old Sara Sidle lay beside him, listening intently to the sound of his soft breathing, and she wondered how…_

But she didn't want to go back.

_She stared at the ring on her finger. It terrified her. What was she doing? She was so confused; did she really want this? Did she really love him? He couldn't possibly want her…_

She must have hurt him terribly…

_She knew she had an out... Gil Grissom had asked her to join his team up in Las Vegas, and he was only one call away. He was part of the reason she knew she couldn't do it… _

Sara felt bile rising in her throat; she felt sick to her stomach as she remembered the thoughts that had swarmed her vision that night. How he'd been so good to her, given her more love than she'd then thought possible, never asking for anything in return, save her hand…

_She couldn't marry him._

* * *

_Step on a steam train…_

_Step out of the driving train…_

_Maybe run from the darkness in the night…_

_She is running to stand still…_

* * *

God, this was going to be one of the most difficult things she'd ever have to do. How the hell was she supposed to _work_ with him? Six years ago seemed worlds away. How in hell's name was she supposed to deal with _this_ on top of Aspen and Julia? And Christ, how had her subconscious avoided these thoughts until now? ...Back in Vegas whileon the phone with Blaze, even up until the point when he asked her _why she really left_? 

_It's just the way you cope._ Sara's subliminal mind spoke to her, and she cringed. "Yeah, a lot of good that's done me… Who else could manage to push something so sickening so far out of her mind that it becomes a clouded dream, barely there?" Sarcasm was evident in her voice, and she surprised herself when she finally realized that cohesive sound had escaped her lips. God, she was so far out of it.

"What have you pushed so far out of your mind that it's become a clouded dream?"

Sara jumped, her eyes snapped wide open as she sat rigid, alert.

"Blaze?" She recognized his accent, and couldn't believe he'd heard her. "You... uh, you're back!" An embarrassed, sheepish chuckle escaped the same lips that had just betrayed her mere moments before. _What the hell, what the hell…_ A sudden urge to smash her head against the dresser to her left came over her like a ton of bricks.

Blaze Evans appeared before her, looking pale but wearing his usual cherubic expression all the same as he leaned against the doorframe. "Hi Sar." He smiled for a moment, before noticing the way the slight features of her face had contorted into a distraught expression. "You alright, dear?" Sara watched as he swooped down to her, clasping her hands in his as she sat on the bed. She sniffed, trying to pull herself together.

"I'm so sorry Blaze." She collapsed into his arms, sobs wracking her body. Even still, the vicious thoughts gave her no peace.

* * *

_You got to cry without weeping,_

_Talk without speaking,_

_Scream without raising your voice, you know…_

_I took the poison, from the poison stream,_

_Then I floated out of here…_

* * *

"How do you think she is?" Grissom nodded at the case file he was peering over with Warrick at his side as put words to what was on his mind. Warrick gave him a sick look as he stared at the picture his mentor was holding. It was of the stripped body of deceased murder victim Christie Addams. 

"_Christie Addams_?" Warrick asked in disbelief. He must have heard wrong. Grissom just looked at him.

"No, Sara."

"Oh, sorry." A cough escaped his throat. "I haven't actually talked to her… Well, I hope…"

Grissom didn't answer, but began studying another photo of a handgun found about a block away from the house Christie was killed in. His eyes weren't actually absorbing any information the photograph had to offer, but it was something to make him look busy as he searched for words.

"Nick is taking it pretty hard. I talked to him during break maybe a half hour ago." Warrick sighed as he studied Grissom, knowing full well he wasn't really looking at the picture.

Finally sound escaped the entomologist, but nothing decisive enough to offer Warrick a clue as to what was going through his head.

"Hmm."

* * *

"Mr. Evans is it?" A friendly nurse asked as they found their way up to room 319 at San Francisco General Hospital and Medical Center. 

"Yes. And Miss Sidle." Blaze answered, placing a hand on Sara's shoulder. She nodded grimly, trying to smile but managing nothing more than a painful looking grimace.

The nurse jotted their names down on a clipboard on the room's door, placed it back in the pocket and unlocked the door for them to enter but leaving it closed. "He's just woken up an hour ago; we were actually just about to call you. He does however seem to have some short term memory loss, but other than that he seems to be recovering well." The redhead smiled. "He's lucky."

"That's great news!" Blaze grinned broadly, thanking the nurse and giving Sara a reassuring look. She smiled back at him, relieved.

"I'll wait here, you should see him first…"

"Are you sure Sar? He'll be positively ecstatic to see you, you know."

"I… yeah. I'll still see him, but…"

"It's okay. I'll come and get you in a moment."

Sara nodded, and Blaze opened the door quietly, entering and finally closing it behind him. She stood idly leaning on the wall as she waited, finally deciding to see who else had visited Neil. Her dark eyes grazed the cork clipboard as she pulled it from the pocket on the door. Reoccurring were three names she recognized, and two that she didn't. Adelaide and Michael Jones… _So they ended up getting married!_ Sara smiled to herself, remembering the banter those two had shared in the lab. It reminded her of Nick and herself. Particularly Lindsay's birthday, when Nick had gotten her a chemistry set. _Keep that, you might learn something._ She chuckled, moving on to the next name. Bailey, one of the lab techs had visited quite a bit, as did two other people… a Miss Amerie Brookes, and Mr. Rei Edwards. They had to be either family or new staff…

Just as she was putting the board back, someone opened the door. She jumped a bit, but relaxed when she saw that it was Blaze. He smiled at her and ran a hand through his dark, ruffled hair. Saying nothing, he gestured for her to come in, and she obliged.

"Sara! Is that really you?" A voice came from the hospital bed in the corner of the room, and Sara saw that Neil was laying there, wrapped up in gauze in various places where he'd been burnt by the explosion.

"Neil! Yes, it's me… how are you?" She spoke fast but quietly, rushing further into the room to kneel at the man's bed.

"I'm fine… feel like I've just fallen down a rocky cliff; not sure when that happened, but I'm alright. It's been so long, when did you come back?" The heavily scarred man grinned at her through his bandages, but his smile quickly turned into a grimace as he realized how much it hurt to move his face. He didn't seem to remember the explosion, which was probably a good thing.

"I arrived here earlier today. I actually came to help solve yours and Aspe—"

"Sara, sorry to interrupt you, but can I speak with you for a moment?" Blaze interjected from the back of the room. Sara paused for a moment, a little shocked before apologizing to Neil and telling him she'd be right back. She joined Blaze in a corner away from Neil's view.

"He doesn't know about Aspen and Julia. And if you tell him, it will just hurt him. He'll forget it in a week, and have to be told again. He's better off not knowing, Sara…" Blaze heaved a sigh.

"He and Aspen were engaged."

* * *

Back in Las Vegas, Nick was fighting a loosing battle as he tried to get some sleep. The room was so quiet without the sound of her breathing beside him, and he could barely stand it. Frustrated, he looked at the clock. Sara hadn't called him back yet, and she'd likely be in bed herself soon. He picked up the phone.

* * *

_She runs through the streets,_

_With her eyes painted red…_

_Under black belly of cloud in the rain_

_She is raging_

_She is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes_

_She will suffer the needle chill_

_She is running…_

_To stand still..._

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** I fully expect death threats for this… but remember, the pain is temporary! I'm a total Snicker and hopeless romantic, so you can bet the fluff will come along. I'll try to update soon, be sure to leave a review! They're good at getting me going:) It worries me sometimes to see so many people with alerts on the story, but I wonder if they actually read past the first chapter. 0-o

As always, '_a penny for your thoughts_' (Maybe I should change it to a nickel… That would bring my tab to 7 for Cat. (laughs)) Anyways, I do hope you enjoyed, and if you have a death threat for me, do not hesitate to sent it in via a review! Just don't be too mean… :'( It won't last forever…

Much love, and _Until Next Time, _

**_-Sahariah_**


	10. Not Enough

**A/N:** Okay, I apologize in advance for this; chapter 10 is a sad chapter. But it's a necessary one. Not Enough-Our Lady Peace. Which _is_ a Canadian band. (laughs) One of my favourites. Anyways, on with the chapter… it's a long one! (cheers!)

* * *

**Chapter Title: **Not Enough

* * *

Four rings and no answer. Her phone was off. Nick sighed harshly, putting the phone back on his night table just knowing there was no way he was going to get any sleep. Maybe he should have just left a message. But what would he say? _Hey Sara, its Nick, listen, it's only been four hours since I last talked to you, but I really don't know what to do with myself, and I can't sleep without you. Um… yeah. I love you, bye bye now._ He rolled his eyes. If his message ended up being that lame, he didn't care. Whatever.Before long, the phone was picked up again.

"Hey Sar…"

* * *

They were _engaged_? Why hadn't Aspen told her? Sara's mind had gone numb, even as she bid Neil farewell, her facial expressions, even her words, seemed out of her control. The walk out to the hospital parking lot with Blaze was a silent one. She didn't even realize what was going on until he helped her into the cab they'd flagged down after a few minutes. The only thing she could carry was the pain… She knew all their worlds were falling apart, too.

* * *

_There's nothing left to prove…_

_There's nothing I won't do…_

_There's nothing like the pain…

* * *

_

"Sara…" Blaze didn't miss the expression on Sara's face. He put an arm around her before telling the cab driver to take them to the street by his apartment, pulling her close, trying to comfort her. She stiffened in his embrace, but soon relaxed, finally allowing her head to fall onto his shoulder. A few stray tears found their way down her slight cheeks, eventually soaking invisibly into the dark fabric of his overcoat collar. They continued to well in her deep eyes when finally, the pressure was too great and she blinked. But the tears didn't make it far… a gentle thumb brushed them from her face…

"This isn't your fault." Blaze's dark hair coalesced with Sara's raven locks as he leant his own head on hers. She gave a silent reply with another blink, sending another stream down her face. A sudden sob escaped her lips, and her nails dug into the denim of her pants…

* * *

_I feel for you…

* * *

_

"Shh…" He took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. He wanted desperately to tell her it was okay… but they both knew the situation was far from it. Instead they said nothing, choosing instead to take comfort in the other's company as waves of dread noiselessly consumed their minds. A vague notion that being this close to Blaze should have been more difficult considering her relationship with Nick wormed its way into Sara's head. But right now, all she wanted was some sense of security… solace from the harsh reality before her. Was that selfish? But their closeness was beginning to worry her… Her reflection were quickly interrupted following that thought by the cab driver, who announced they'd arrived at Blaze's apartment.

"Thank you." Blaze sighed quietly. The tone of his voice was so unlike it usually was. "How much do I owe you?"

"$16.25, please. Thank you, sir." The cabbie replied, accepting the twenty dollar bill from him with a friendly smile.

"Keep the change," Blaze smiled back, giving him a small wave as he aided a shaky Sara back out of the car. "Goodnight."

The cab drove off, and the pair entered the apartment lobby, making their way up the stairway, Blaze's hand on her shoulder all the way. She barely noticed. Characteristically, he always had something to say. It had been a long time since he'd last found himself searching for words. But there just didn't seem to be anything to say. Any words of comfort would likely come out either meaningless or provocative. Not that he was against that; truth be told, he was finding it difficult to spend time with his ex fiancé… well, not even ex, really. They'd never formally broken it off. Sara just got up one day and left… maybe a week after their engagement. He had of course tried to track her down, but all he managed to get out of her was that she _couldn't do it_. Since then, they'd hardly spoken, and Blaze found himself wondering on a semi-regular basis just what he'd done wrong. And if forced to express the rationale behind his subsequent failed marriage, he'd likely have to admit that it was because part of him couldn't let _her_ go.

* * *

_Nothing left to face…_

_There's nothing left to lose…_

_Nothing takes your place…

* * *

_

…But all that was in the past. Useless memories and sentiments that, given the circumstances, could never be acted upon again. He'd long since accepted that. But having her back so suddenly had thrown him for a loop, to say the least…

Finally in the condo, Sara excused herself to the guestroom where she was sleeping. She felt guilty for leaving so abruptly, especially after what they'd both been through, so after throwing on a thin sweater and a pair of flannels, she returned to the living room. But Blaze was nowhere in sight.

"Blaze?"

"Over here, Sar."

She heard his voice coming from the sizable balcony extending from his bedroom. Unsure of whether or not she should really be going into his room, she stepped in and quickly made her way over to where he stood, leaning lightly over the balustrade.

"What are you doing?" Sara asked quietly.

"Looking at the stars… the water." He turned from the ocean view the condo platform provided to look at her moonlit face. He smiled when he saw that she was wearing the same kind of casual pajamas he remembered, and continued. "It's calming, I guess."

* * *

_What you want,_

_What you lost,_

_What you had,_

_What is gone is over…_

_What you got,_

_What you love,_

_What you need,_

_What you have is real…

* * *

_

She smiled back sadly, deciding to join him at the railing.

"Yeah… that's something I miss in Vegas," she said without thinking, her fingers tapping along the granite barrier now that she felt less shaky. Blaze chuckled lightly, returning his gaze to the shining water of the harbour now that she was beside him.

"I think I'd miss it too," he sighed. They were both silent for a while, just staring out into the distance, unsure of what exactly to say. Trying to perhaps lighten the mood, or perhaps feed his curiosity, Blaze finally spoke.

"So who was it you were talking to earlier in the car? The one who told you about the bombing before I even knew about it?" He tried to sound almost joking, but couldn't help but worry he'd sounded nosy in asking that question. It was entirely possible, after all, that the person on the other end was a boyfriend or something. Or even a husband. Honestly, Sara seemed so enigmatic as far as relationships went. He was _still_ confused, even six years later. It took Sara a minute to reply, long enough that he'd considered saying 'never mind'. She wasn't sure how she wanted to answer; he was obviously just making conversation, but somehow, she didn't feel like discussing the particulars of her relationship with Nick with Blaze, at least at the moment. Given their circumstances, it was bound to make things more difficult anyway. So she decided not to tell the whole story.

"Um… just a coworker from back in Vegas. He was watching the news and worried that I was still in the airport." Hell, it was the truth. Nick was a coworker. He was watching the news. That's all that needed to be said, right?

Judging by the way she was avoiding his eye, Blaze inferred that there was probably more to it than that. He wasn't a CSI supervisor for nothing. But he didn't want to push her for answers.

"Ah, I see." He smiled at her again. They were quiet again for a while, until Blaze noticed that Sara was shivering and grabbed a large housecoat for her from his bedside. He used the opportunity to bring up what was really on his mind.

"Sara…" Another sigh. "Do you want to— uh… talk…"

She tilted her head casually, looking at him questioningly. In reality, she knew exactly what he meant. She was dreading it.

"About all of this… and us."

It was Sara's turn to sigh now. But she felt guilty… he'd put up with her evasive nonsense for more than six years… maybe now was the time to talk. Finally, she agreed.

"'kay. Where do you want to start?"

* * *

_When they say…_

_You're not that strong,_

_You're not that weak,_

_It's not your fault…

* * *

_

"Hey man, how are ya?" Warrick patted his friend on the back as they met in the entranceway of CSI just prior to the start of shift. Nick smiled back, but the usual dazzle of his grin was missing.

"I'm… uh, okay, I guess." Nick finished removing the thin jacket he'd been wearing and threw it over his shoulder as they made their way to the locker room.

"You hear from her?"

"Uh, yeah… I called her yesterday afternoon. Was watching the news… there was another bombing at San Francisco International Airport just five minutes after she got outta there." He felt sick just thinking about it. Warrick looked deeply concerned.

"She's okay, right?"

"Yeah. Heard the explosion from up the street."

"Christ…"

Catherine peeked her head in the locker room just as they wandered in.

"Hey guys, Gris wants all of us in the break room ten minutes early." She announced, pushing a strand of bright blonde hair behind her ear. "How are you doing, Nicky?" Her eyebrows raised in question as she smiled encouragingly at her coworker. Nick looked up from his locker where he'd had his face buried for the last minute or so to acknowledge her.

"I'm alright, thanks Cath. See you in five." He waved her off casually, feeling guilty for it almost instantly when he caught the uneasy look that crossed her thin face just before she nodded and took off in the direction of her office. He heaved a sigh and made to close his locker, when the article he'd placed on the top shelf caught his eye. _The cowboy hat._ He couldn't help but smile. Picking it up, Nick decided he'd wear it. It was something that could bring him closer to her, even if she was several hundred miles away. Warrick looked up from his own locker as he pulled a new shirt over his head, grinning when he saw Nick's hat.

"Nice sky piece."

Nick adjusted the hat slightly as he looked at his partner questioningly.

"Sky piece. You know, hat."

"Isn't a sky piece like a beanie or a skull cap?"

"Yeah. There lies the joke."

Nick chuckled, submitting himself. "It's from Sara. For my birthday."

Warrick laughed, shaking his head. "Nice."

* * *

By the time Nick and Warrick made it to the break room, Greg, Catherine and Grissom were already seated, and judging by the way they all shut up at once when they entered, the subject of conversation was likely Sara and Nick. Grissom looked older than ever. It seemed this situation was getting to him almost as much as it was to Nick. Sofa came in just behind them, apologizing for being late when she was really about three minutes early.

"Hey Nick." She patted him on the shoulder a few times with a smile before taking a seat to the left of Grissom at the break room table. Nick noticed she had her blonde hair let down, and it spread across her shoulders and on her back. Usually she only wore it that way for special occasions. But his thought train was interrupted when Grissom handed him an assignment, explaining that their load was fairly heavy today. He looked at his sheet. DB in a club just off the Strip. He was working with Warrick…a glad smile crossed his face. Warrick and… Sofia?

"Nice cowboy hat." The woman in question had risen from her seat to stand with her case group, shooting a grin at Nick as she examined his assignment paper. "It suits you." She gave the front rim of the 'sky piece' a little flick and headed for the door, her long blonde hair flowing behind her. "DB at Aiyoku nightclub just off the strip. Catch you there."

Grissom, characteristically oblivious, walked out the other door just after Sofia did, making his way to his office where he had a mountain of paperwork on the solved Christie Addams murder waiting to be tackled. Catherine, Greg and Warrick however, remained with a slightly taken aback Nick, waiting just until Sofia was safely out of earshot before mumbling '_what was that?_'

Nick shrugged it off with a shake of his head.

"No idea," he answered, deciding to change the subject. "What have you two got?"

"Double at the Tangiers. Apparently it's pretty messy… your typical 'blood everywhere' scene." Catherine sighed, her fingers toying lazily with the small assignment sheet.

"Nice." Warrick cocked an eyebrow in her direction, gaining a smile in return.

"Why? What have you got?"

"DB at Aiyoku, like Sofia just said."

"You're both with her?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah."

Greg pipped up. "Isn't Aiyoku that new club with the Geisha kind of theme?"

"Not sure, I've never been there." Nick answered, wondering where Greg had gained this knowledge. "Have you?"

"No, no… but I heard its now one of _the_ places to be in Vegas. A lot of the big players come in and out of there."

"Great, media attention." Warrick sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "We better get out of here, Sofia's going to wonder where we are."

Nick nodded and picked up his kit from the floor, giving a small wave as he followed Warrick out the door… and finally into the semi-darkness of the PD parking lot, situated in the middle of the urban wasteland of lights that was Las Vegas on a Saturday night.

* * *

Blaze pulled off his t-shirt and grabbed another white housecoat quickly from a closet just beside the door to the balcony, finally throwing the discarded article over his shoulder. It landed lightly on the bed, and he walked back outside again. Heaving another sigh, he decided it best to just get right to the point.

"Do you think we could start by going back six years?"

Sara's eyes shot up from the ground, the sick feeling in her stomach returning. His request wasn't forceful, if anything the familiar voice was gentle, caring. His tolerance made her feel worse… she was so much more capable dealing with anger than… whatever this was. But she nodded anyway.

"'kay."

"Sara… just, please… tell me outright… why did you leave?"

"I still don't know exactly why... But Blaze, don't think it's because I hated you or something. That's just not true."

"But then why? Sar, that's all you ever say. '_You don't know_, or _you couldn't do it_.' What the hell does that _mean_?" He was getting frustrated, his voice finally more forceful. Sara closed her eyes and breathed deep, trying to suppress the aching tears she could feel welling behind them.

"It probably had to do with a lot of things… When I was a kid… my mother…. she stabbed my father to death. At the time… I'd never seen anything more destructive than marriage." Her dark eyes finally opened with a little sniff, sending familiar crystalline droplets down her cheeks, reflecting in the moonlight that glowed over them. "…and even in our line of work… you know love is one of the most common motives for _murder_." She almost chuckled at that.

Blaze just stared at her, open eyed. "Jesus Sar…"

"I just… don't usually talk about it." She smiled sadly in his direction, biting her lip in an effort to control herself. "I'm afraid of commitment. I seem to poison my own relationships. I'm only just learning how to be…" Blaze placed his hand on hers, and she looked up again, images of Nick swarming her head. "I'm only just figuring out how… to be loved."

* * *

_There's nothing you can say,_

_Nothing you can do…_

_There's nothing in between,_

_You know the truth…_

_It's not enough…_

_It's not enough, I'm sorry…

* * *

_

**A/N: **Damnit, I'm evil. XD Sorry. But at least this chapter is long, right? XD I'll try not to make the wait so long next time. School took over. (grr.) Anyways, sorry for any errors… I didn't really go over it well, and I have to run in like, three minutes. Just wanted to get this finally posted. Please drop me a review on your way out! Thanks, Happy Holidays, and Until Next Time…

-Sahariah


	11. Cruel to be Kind

**A/N:** Okay, so I promised happy chapters in honour of the Christmas Season. Yes, those are still coming. But this chapter had to come first. Besides, I can't skip 2 months without anything happening… especially in a story like this. So, in 'Candle in the Wind' land, it's not Christmas/New Years yet. Sorry this is so late; I've been out of town and away from my computer for a while. I had initially planned to post two chapters before December 25th, and by January 2nd, _2006, _I hadn't even finished this one. (Which is quite sad, really. 0.o) I tried to write en-route, but you have no idea how difficult it is to write _anything_ when you're surrounded by people all the time, always trying to peer at your laptop over seats and such, finding out what in God's name you're writing about (or to) when there's no internet for email in the area. I told everyone I was writing letters to people. Lame. XP

Anyway, this chapter is short, expect the next (possibly fluffy-ish) ones within the next few days! I do hope it makes sense to people; let me know if you think something needs more explaining. Oh, and I hope everyone had a magical Christmas, and awesome New Year. All my best to everyone for an amazing 2006!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Cruel to be Kind

* * *

It wasn't long after their conversation that Sara made her way back to her room. Sitting down on her bed, she picked up the pile of clothes she'd discarded earlier, placing them on her lap. She was just about to stand up and put the articles in the empty basket that stood in a nearby corner when she felt her cell vibrate in the pile. Stopping, puzzled, she dug out the little phone and flipped it open. 

_You have **three** new messages_.

The phone must have turned itself on at some point.

_Would you like to hear these messages now? Please enter your password. _

She typed in the numbers. _76425377_

_Message number one:_

"_Hey Sar…I guess I'm just calling to see how you're doing… Since you didn't call back…"_

The voice on the phone sighed quietly, pausing… as if its holder were waiting for a reply that an answering machine could not give.

"_Give me a call when you get this, even during work hours, okay? Love you."_

Nick… she knew she hadn't called him back. For the second time that night, she felt like hitting her head across something… preferably something solid enough to whack some sense into her. All this talking with Blaze had gotten to her. She didn't like what she was feeling; this all too familiar confusion that seemed to plague her every time she thought about her old boss. Somehow, she'd managed to forget until now. It seemed to be the same sentiments she'd held during her foolish infatuation with Grissom, too. Sara groaned and fell back onto the bed, shaking her head as she opened her cell phone to hear Nick's message again.

_Since you didn't call back…_

…

_Love you._

_-Click-_

Honestly, who was she kidding? She was completely and utterly in love with Nick. He loved her back. The idea that she'd carried a flame for anyone else but him seemed absurd, no matter how far in the past. _So then, what was it?_

The light emitted by the small phone that had set an eerie glow upon her frustrated face closed into darkness as Sara slipped the object under her pillow, if only to block its intense brightness from her eyes that had already adjusted to the darkness of the room. Glowing shapes assaulted her vision as she tried to adjust again.

_Why am I so goddamn confusing? I can't even figure myself out._

If it wasn't love that had attracted her to Blaze and later Grissom, then what was it? These two men… both considerably older than herself, people she idolized…

'"_I seem to poison my own relationships..."'_

Why was it that 'she just couldn't do it?' Maybe it was the same reason Grissom 'couldn't do it.' He'd been scared to loose everything he'd worked so hard for. Or at least, that's all he was willing to admit. If she looked back on her past, it wasn't hard to see what was missing. She never really had 'parents', so to speak. Sure, there was a woman who gave birth to her, and a father whom she was a part of. But that relationship was nothing more than physical. She'd never had a father, and maybe Blaze and Grissom were her attempts at somehow trying to find that maternal part of her that was missing. In essence, she was a part of Grissom, and he… a part of her. Would she really be who she was had she not met him? Wasn't he the reason why she chose to 'run off' to Vegas, instead of any number of other places she'd been offered jobs after her _breakup_ (If you could call it that…) with Blaze? Looking back on it, Blaze himself was incapable in much the same way as she was years ago when it came to relationships. He didn't help her situation. But was Grissom not the man that, despite how awkward it had been, tried to help her… listen to her… on many occasions? He was never her friend so much as a twisted sort of guidance figure…

Was he not, in some way… trying to protect her? Was she not, in essence… something of a daughter?

Somehow, Sara felt that perhaps he had realized this too.

And finally she figured it out. She'd looked for the same thing in Blaze as she had Grissom, but he couldn't give it to her. And she _couldn't do it_ because she couldn't truly love anyone… until she herself was complete. Not that Gil Grissom was an admirable father figure, but in some way, she needed some form of acceptance from this man she'd admired since the age of fifteen… the man she'd met all of once before university but remained in higher esteem than people even of her own blood before she could be with anyone. She needed to know somehow... that she was good enough. And even though he pushed her away, Grissom also embraced her. It was just the wrong kind of love she'd pursued with him. She'd never experienced any kind of love besides physical… sexual. Subconsciously, it was a different kind of love that she needed from him. And Grissom seemed to know that; which is why _they_ never became a couple. She needed to experience this _other_ love before she could truly be with anyone; with Nick.

'"_I'm only just figuring out how… to be loved…"'

* * *

_

The eye assaulting light of her cell phone illuminated her face once more as she hit a new number on her speed dial. A simple smile was etched on Sara's face as she quietly shook her head in marvel of the epiphany she'd been waiting to experience for years.

"Grissom."

"It's Sara." Her voice somehow remained characteristically calm, cool, and collected as she spoke.

"Hey Sara, how're you doing?" Her mentor sounded tired, but concern was still evident in her voice.

"I'm quite well… Um, Gris… I just phoned because... about a minute ago, I realized something I'd been looking for the answer to since I was about fifteen years old."

A small smile crossed his face.

"And what would that be?"

Sara gave a little chuckle that said '_you know what I'm talking about; you figured me out ages ago.'_

"I just wanted to apologize… and well, for all it's worth, to say… Thanks. Really. Thank you…"

And his smile widened.

"_You're welcome. But… thank you, too."

* * *

_

**_A/N:_** There you have it. I hope that explained things a little. I'd like to think this is the actual situation in the show, too. It's always kind of struck me that way. And, though I'm not a GSR fan, I do like the way Sara and Grissom can have these quiet sort of conversations, where no one needs to say much. Anyway, as I've said before, this is a Snickers story. And a Snickers story it shall remain. :) Hope you enjoyed… and above all, understood… Let me know. I'm really interested to see the reaction to this chapter.

Until Next Time,

-Sahariah.


	12. Blowing Stuff Up

**_A/N:_ **I hope everyone enjoyed/understood the last chapter, I guess I better offer a quick explanation just incase.

Assuming there are two kinds of love needed and present in a relationship- one romantic, the other a kind of maternal and unconditional love for the other person, Sara was missing half of the equation because she had never really had a parental figure in her life. Because she had never experienced that love, she couldn't offer it in a relationship, which is why her engagement with Blaze failed, in a sense. Even though Grissom pushed her away when she tried to have a romantic relationship with him, he otherwise embraced her, which is what she needed, though she wasn't consciously aware of it at the time.

I do hope that helps. Anyway, this chapter gets into the actual investigation. Its the longest chapter I've ever posted, actually... close to nine pages long. 0.o Enjoy! (Oh, and one more thing… I don't know if anyone noticed in the last chapter, Sara's phone password spells 'Snickers'. Just a little joke I threw in. (laughs)) On to the story!

* * *

**Chapter Title: **_"I was blowing stuff up."

* * *

_

The night was dark, morning daylight still hours away from peeking its fanciful eyes above the urban horizon, forced to wait as if by cruel fate to envelope the city in its usual warm glow. Sara lay in bed, deciding finally that if she was going to lie looking at the ceiling like this all night, she may as well be warm. Her toes found their way under the covers, followed by the rest of her. Cell phone still clutched in hand, she stole a glance at the clock radio on a nearby oak night table. She really should get some sleep… she was completely exhausted, and her first day back at the lab was tomorrow. Even still… her eyes wouldn't close, and it was giving her a headache. Instead, they stared of their own will at the flashing red digits on the clock, counting the seconds with the unearthly accuracy she could never hope to duplicate…

_1:34…_

_1:35…_

_1:36…_

………

_Bzzzzz…_

Sara woke with a start to the startling shudder of the damned object clutched in her right hand. A faint buzzing matched speed only with her raised heart rate as she gazed groggily at the phone's caller display, wondering vaguely why it was in her palm.

_Nick Stokes_.

Suddenly fully awake, she snapped it open.

"Nick?"

"Sara? Why do you sound so… dead?"

"Thanks for that, Nick." Sara cleared her throat, a smile crossing her face as she sat up in bed, her eyes shooting again to the clock at her bedside. _4:45_. So she had fallen asleep, after all. "I was… uh, _sleeping_."

"What? Oh, damn, sorry Sar…"

"S'ok… You're just getting off shift now, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Slow night; just waiting for results from our latest case. Left early. I forgot you're on days now."

"Yeah, it's weird to be sleeping at times I haven't for over five years." She chuckled quietly. "Miss me, honey?" Her voice was teasing, the way it usually was when she was on the phone with him outside of work. He laughed, and she could feel him smile at her.

"Of course. How could I not? You didn't phone me back…"

"Yeah, sorry about that… I kind of dozed off. My phone was off because I was… uh… at the hospital."

"_What!_ Sar, are you—"

"Shh, I'm fine, fine… I wasn't there for me. My old supervisor and I went to visit my old colleague. The one who…" Her voice finally faltered. "_survived…_"

Nick was silent for a moment, clearly not sure what to say. He must have just made it to his truck out in the parking lot because the sound of a shutting door was finally heard in the background.

"… I'm sorry… Sara, you know it's not your fault."

"I—"

"Sara… I want you to say it… acknowledge it. _This isn't your fault_."

"Nick… it is."

"No, it's not. It happened a long time ago. You can't determine what these psychopathic freaks are going to do years later. You have to get these thoughts out of your head Darlin'. They're poison, and they aren't helping you." His voice was gentle, but at the same time, stern. "okay?"

Sara sighed, resigned. She really didn't want to talk about it, so she just agreed. "'kay."

"Anyway, I'm sorry for waking you up… you better try to catch a few more winks before shift." At this, Sara could barely contain a giggle. He sounded like a concerned… father. She shook her head and the threw her thoughts to the back of her mind. "What's so funny?" There was a hint of laughter in his voice now, too.

"Nothing… you're just so…" She paused, unsure of the word she wanted to use.

"Just so… _what_, exactly?"

"Amazing."

Nick smiled; coming from Sara, that meant a hell of a lot.

"So are you."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

"Ready?" A strangely normal Blaze inquired her as he pulled his department issued SUV into the parking lot of the all too familiar San Francisco CSI lab a few hours later that morning. She was surprised at the way he was acting; like nothing had changed… but somehow, she knew that he used many of the same coping mechanisms as her. Regardless, she felt it only polite to play along, especially since she herself was likely the cause of his discomfort. Feeling bad, she nodded, trying to smile. 

"Ready as I'll ever be. Thanks, Blaze."

He returned her smile as best he could, deciding it best to throw on a pair of sunglasses to hide the hidden messages she always used to find in his eyes.

"Sure. Let's go, then."

The glass doors of the lab swung open before they could be touched as the pair neared them; Sara fixing the strap of the dark red tank she'd matched with her favourite pair of black denims as she drew her own sunglasses from her eyes to the top of her head. A cool blast of air met her face as she entered, Blaze following just behind her. Almost immediately, a friendly, familiar voice greeted her with obvious enthusiasm.

"Sara! It's great to see you again!" She grinned when she realized the voice was of one of her former coworkers. The shorter woman beamed at her from behind the secretarial desk where she'd obviously been engaged in a conversation with one of the receptionists prior to their arrival. Raven haired, petite and tan, she looked much as she had six years ago.

"Adelaide!" The two brunettes rushed toward one other, each enveloping the other when they met.

"Damnit, girl! It's been so long!"

"I know, I know… But how have you been? You look great!" Sara directed her gaze intentionally toward the ring she had expected to see on the woman's finger, a knowing smirk crossing her lips. Adelaide seemed to notice this, and she confirmed what Sara had noted upon reading Neil's visitors chart at the hospital the previous night.

"Michael and I. Earlier this summer."

"That's such great news! It really is _about time_!" She found laugher escaping her throat. The newlywed before her rolled her eyes with a smirk to match Sara's.

"I know, I know… He's in the DNA lab waiting for some results…"

Coming back to reality, Sara nodded. "What do we know?"

Addie sighed sadly. "Admittedly, not a whole lot. But it's a start… Blaze, Chantal told me you've got a few urgent messages; asked me to tell you. We'll be…" She pointed to the DNA labs behind them, nodding curtly in her boss' direction as she lead Sara down the proverbial halls of the past.

"Thanks. I'll meet you two in there in a few."

* * *

Adelaide, Michael and Sara exited the DNA lab together after watching Michael finish labeling the samples he wanted tested. As they walked swiftly through the hallway, their conversation remained all-business. 

"Blaze confirmed the prints found on the pay-booth near the entrance to the parkade do indeed belong to our former suspect Miguel Rhodriegez; Detective Daigle interrogated him last night, a few hours after the second bomb went off at the airport…"

"I remember that one… World's biggest asshole. But he was credible, anyway. Twelve witnesses said they saw him knock out the lead singer of the act playing at that nightclub years ago… He was in custody during the time of the bombing, last time, anyway." Sara shuddered, disgusted by the memory of the drunkard that had turned the young singer's face into something pertaining to the texture of raw hamburger.

"But he was the bomb-dealer, remember? We couldn't chuck him in for that one because he'd already been given immunity for the information he gave us. His prints were on the detonator last time." Michael reminded them, opening the massive case file he'd carried under his arm.

"So it could have been his bomb. Where was he yesterday during the time of the second blast?" Sara asked.

"You're gonna love this. And I quote: 'I was _blowing stuff up._'" Michael raised an eyebrow in contempt as he read the statement.

"Is this guy asking for trouble, or what? How long was he _blowing stuff up _for?"

"A few hours; out in the middle of nowhere. But it doesn't help much, seeing as the bomb could have been put there days ago. It just needed something to set it off."

"Ughh… Okay, do we know what kind of bomb it was?"

"Apparently it was a car bomb… There were bits of aluminum everywhere, probably from the car itself. It's hard to tell what kind of car it even was, because so many others were blown up during the explosion as well. The pay-booth isn't manned either, it's electronic… and there is surveillance, but it's directed more at the cars already parked than the ones just coming in. Aspen's notes were burnt up in the resulting fire, and the photos we did recover were mostly generals, nothing very helpful."

Adelaide sighed, pulling the VHS surveillance tape out of the folder that Michael was carrying.

"The tape is also grainy and grayscale."

"Beautiful."

"You're tellin' me."

"Well, let's send it out for analysis anyway, see if we can find out the models and makes of some of the cars around the approximate detonation zone. If we can get anything, we might be able to match the scraps left over… maybe get lucky."

"Sounds good… where will you be?" Michael questioned Sara as he watched Adelaide put the tape back into his file.

"I'm going back to the scene."

* * *

"Christ… this place has been totaled…" Sara whispered to herself as she stepped under the yellow police tape and into the airport crime scene. Admittedly, it was hard for her to come alone to the place her former best friend and colleague had been killed. But it was something she new she needed to face. A detective had managed to follow her to the scene anyway. When emotion threatened to take over, she pushed all sense of it to the back of her head, determined not to allow it to cloud her vision. 

As she stepped further into the scene, it became pretty clear where the explosion had occurred. Huge chunks of metal and plastic were strewn in a star-like pattern, all emerging from a sinister epicenter in the far east side of the overlarge parking garage. There were still several damaged cars parked around; their owners had been forbidden to remove them until such time as the investigation no longer required them. She was sure the insurance companies involved had to be having a field day about now. Unsure of where to start as the explosion's debris had something of a rain-like effect on most trace she'd initially look for, Sara turned to the detective that had accompanied her to the scene, presumably at Blaze's request.

"Are you the detective that interviewed Miguel Rhodriegez last night?"

"Yeah. Detective John Daigle."

"Sara Sidle. Good to meet you. So do you know what's already been collected here?"

"Yeah, I was at the scene earlier, too. Michael collected a few metal samples, a few swabs of whatever he could…"

"Thanks."

"Sure."

She sighed, and continued to approach the center of destruction. She wasn't surprised to see a few relatively clean looking scraps laying in the middle of the star; the eye of the hurricane explosion was usually calm. Unless these oddments had been moved, they would likely offer her a clue as to what kind of car she was looking for. Kneeling down, her eyes examined the small heap. Any plastics had been melted onto the rough black asphalt of the garage. She looked over her shoulder back at Detective Daigle.

"Do you know if samples of this plastic were collected?"

"Uh, no… I remember Mike saying it was too hot at the time to collect, would have melted the container he wanted to put it in. Apparently that would contaminate the sample. Come to think of it, a lot of stuff was too hot to collect at the time."

Sara turned back to smirk at the dark grey plastic mound. "I thought so. And he was right, it would contaminate it."

Getting out her kit, she wondered how she'd collect the sample she needed when it was now cold and solid. Finally an idea came to her; but she'd likely need new tweezers afterward. Without looking at the detective, she asked:

"What kind of boots are you wearing?"

He looked puzzled for a moment, but answered:

"Black ones."

At this, she did turn, giving him a derisive look. "_What?_" he asked, taken aback by her glare.

"Are they steel toed?"

"Yes."

"How about steel soled?"

"Yeah, I think so…"

Sara smirked blithely, tilting her head as she requested cutely:

"Can I borrow one?"

* * *

After collecting several pieces of evidence from the scene, including the molten plastic she managed to salvage using her tweezers as a chisel and Daigle's boot as a hammer, Sara made her way back to the lab. The drive back wasn't a long one; and she'd been issued her own department vehicle, so she didn't have to ride with the detective. 

On the way back, she stopped at Starbucks for a coffee before continuing on her way, all the while feeling a silent appreciation for the fact she was working while the sun was out. Finally pulling into the CSI parking lot, she collected her evidence bags and headed inside. Blaze caught her as she walked in through the glass doors.

"Hey Sara… the surveillance video just came back from analysis- we managed to clear up some of the graininess enough to determine that we're looking for the owner of either an Acura or Toyota Echo. License plates were too pixilated to read, so…" He sighed, now eyeing her evidence bags.

"Find what you needed?"

"Yeah… I asked Daigle if plastic samples were collected the first time; he said most stuff at the scene was too hot the first time it was processed, so I dug out a few. I need a new set of tweezers." She held up her mangled set from her pocket, the bent points no longer matched up, making it impossible to pick anything up with them.

"Let me guess. Chisel."

Sara coughed.

"… Yeah."

A quite simper crossed his face. Not really embarrassed but wanting to put her reasonably heavy load down, Sara continued.

"I'll take this stuff to the trace lab, and then let's have a look at that video."

"Alright. Meet you in a few."

* * *

That night, Nick was back at the lab again for shift. He came in a little early to check on the DNA samples he'd taken in for analysis from his nightclub scene. The tech told him it would be another five minutes or so, so he decided to just wait it out. Gazing around through the glass walls of CSI trying to find something to look at, he spotted Sofia Curtis heading into the locker room with her long hair tied up in a bun. Just before she walked in, she pulled the pen that held the hairdo together out, and her blonde waves fell to her face. For some reason unbeknownst to him, his eyes remained fixated on her until she'd gone out of sight. 

"Nick? Hey Nick! Who are you staring at?" Hodges voice finally penetrated his stupor, and he looked away.

"Huh? What?"

"DNA results. Blood from the vic is a match to the blood on the wall, but you do have a separate unknown donor from the blood on the stool. There was also GSR in your second blood pool."

"Okay, thanks Hodges."

"Sure. And don't worry, I won't tell Sara that you were just staring at Sofia."

"_What_! I wasn't!"

But Hodges just gave him his annoying '_gotcha_' look, and turned around, finally taking a seat back in his chair. Nick gave the man his own look of disgust before leaving.

* * *

A/N: Not much to say… other than… _review!_ :) Let's do that 'penny for your thoughts' thing again! (laughs) Thanks for reading, I'm really enjoying writing this story- and you all make it even better. 

Until Next Time,

-Sahariah


	13. Iris

**A/N:** Well, here's chapter 13... finally. Sorry for the wait. I'm hoping the foreshadowing will be worth it. ;) Enjoy! I don't own 'Iris'- it is by the Goo Goo Dolls. Though I'm quite fond of it. :)

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Iris

* * *

The following weeks leading into the beginning of December were a dazing blur of emotion, confusion, and determination on the part of Sara Sidle as she fought to maintain the collectedness she required to solve the case at hand. The last month had been absolutely brutal; with only a few leads that seemed to lead her new team in a never ending maze of circles along with a series of... admittedly devastating funerals, she was having a hard time coping. The funeral of her old best friend especially was easily the most difficult thing she'd faced in the month and a half she'd spent to date revisiting her past. She doubted the image would ever leave her mind's eye- Aspen, still stunningly beautiful even with the faint burn marks across her cheek, covered thickly with makeup... Laying there... a small, yet eerily peaceful smile playing at her lips, as if she may have awakened at any moment to giggle in mild embarrassment at the sight of so many people surrounding her as she... slept. But it was impossible. It hurt Sara to see her, knowing those striking blue eyes would never again open, that the arms of her sister would never again envelope her in the embrace she missed more than anything else in the world.

* * *

_You bleed just to know you're alive..._

* * *

_"My name... is Sara Sidle. I worked with Aspen years ago before I transferred to my current position in Las Vegas..."_

She relived the experience all the time, especially at night... Sometimes Sara would even dream about it- but in her dreams, Aspen's bright eyes did open, gaze meeting with hers as she sobbed over her oak casket. And suddenly she would become blind. Nothing but white light could penetrate her vision, and some distorted version of Aspen's voice would ring in her ears, whispering inaudible things... A whisp of golden blonde hair and finally a scream, and Sara would practically shoot out of bed, shaking violently as beads of salty tears mixed with sweat ran down her cheeks, silently anticipating the freefall to the mangled sheets below.

_"Aspen... was my best friend for a long time. We did everything together... for a long time. She was my sister."_

By now Sara had moved into her own apartment a few blocks away from Blaze's. It was lonely; after so many months with Nick. For the few days following the funerals, she stayed at Blaze's again. They needed each other, even if it was just to wake up with someone else around to talk to every morning. Slowly, things were getting better- the nightmares less frequent, the tears less noticeable.

_"She still is. I love her like I could never love anyone else, and after so long apart... There's nothing I regret more than having to... meet again... under such horrible circumstances..."_

She looked up that day from the microphone at the head of the church to see Neil being rolled in on his wheelchair. Her heart had nearly stopped beating. It made her sick to see such a devastated look on his forever cheerful face, knowing that he'd forget tomorrow and have to be told again that his fiance is dead. But they probably wouldn't tell him again. They just knew that the... old Neil... would want to be there. Certain that she'd wretch there on stage if she didn't break her stare, Sara had continued, swallowing a silent sob.

* * *

_Or the moment of truth in your lies..._

* * *

_"I... blame myself."_

The voices of two men echoed in her head as she stuffed her jacket into her locker as she prepared to make her way to the lab, skipping the breakroom for "assignments" altogether. A new assignment was foolish thinking.

**"Those thoughts are poison..."**

**"Acknowledge it Sar,- It's not you're fault..."**

And she was more thankful than she could express that they each continued to tell her that. Blaze caught her tears falling now and then and would always remind her... and Nick... well she missed him like crazy. She phoned him all the time, and never ceased to feel better afterward, but there was always something missing. What she wouldn't give to just fall into his arms again.

_

* * *

__And I'd give up forever to touch you,  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow...  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be..._

_I just don't wanna miss you tonight..._

* * *

"Sara..."

Blaze walked into the locker room, catching her just as she was leaving to see if test results on a new suspect's DNA were in.

"Hmm? Hey, Blaze."

The tired, sad smile that had become so common to her features now crossed her face as she looked up at him.

"I want you to go home for Christmas."

She blinked blankly at him for a minute as his words sunk in. Pulling her straightened hair into a high ponytail, Sara managed to ease herself onto the cold metal bench, her eyes never leaving his.

"...What?"

"You should go home for Christmas."

"But, the case! And... It's just out of the ques--"

"Sara..."

At this point, her brow furrowed in familiar confusion.

"What, you don't want me here for Christmas?"

"No... no, that's not it at all Sara."

"Well what--?"

"You've been working like a racehorse on speed, Sara. You need a break more than anyone, and I know you'd be happier..." He seemed to gauge her expression for a response, and receiving little, he sighed. "Look, if you want to stay, fine. But we're at a plateau right now, and with the threat contained, we can afford to give everyone some time off. And I know you need it. Whether or not you choose to spend it here or back in Las Vegas is up to you... but I think you'll find the department willing to send you to a..." A crack of a smile crossed Blaze's fair expression. "_conference_... Supposedly a _Gil Grissom_ is giving his annual entomology seminar."

* * *

_When everything's made to be broken,  
I just want you to know who I am..._

* * *

It couldn't be more clear by the look in his eye that he was serious.

"You've probably been to it before, but no matter..."

"... Thanks, Blaze."

Finally Sara rose from her position on the bench, wrapping her arms around the man before her in a friendly embrace.

"You really are the most... altruistic man in the world. Thank you."

"Sure Sar." He placed a comforting arm around her shoulders and smiled good-naturedly at her. "You deserve it more than anyone."

* * *

"You and Sofia have done excellent work on those last few cases you solved, Nick." Grissom looked up over his spectacles toward the man sitting before him within the closed doors of his office.

"Err... Thanks, Gris..."

"... Do you like working with her?"

* * *

_And all I can taste is this moment..._

* * *

"I... I don't mind, sure. I'll work with anyone, Gris. You know that."

"She seems to enjoy working with you too. She's actually made a formal request to our _assistant lab director_..." Grissom seemed to be fighting to maintain a straight face at the mention of Ecklie. "... that we make another team change- she wants charge over you and Warrick."

"What? You're kidding me, right?"

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"Of course I have a problem with that! I don't want the team broken up again!"

"Good... that's exactly what Warrick said. Then we have nothing to worry about."

"... Okay..."

"Here's your assignment... I'm taking you off the case you're currently on with Sofia and Warrick; we need someone to work this robbery case. Days and swing are swamped... so it falls to us on nights."

Nick, looking more than a little puzzled, accepted the new assignment slip from Grissom, looking it over.

"I'm working solo?"

"It's just a gas station robbery. You'll be fine. See if Vega is free- I think he's just finished working with Greg and Catherine."

"'kay. Thanks." He rose from his seat before the supervisor's desk, reading the slip absent mindedly on the way to the door. A torn look crossed Grissom's face as he watched, leaning back in his chair and finally removing his glasses from his face. Weighing the options... he chose to speak.

"... Hey Nick?"

"Yeah?" Nick looked up from the sheet in mild surprise.

"Uh... be careful. About what you get yourself into. She's coming back."

The younger CSI's brow furrowed as he attempted to dissect the supervisor's words.

"... What, Sara?"

Grissom looked down again, pulling up a file from his cluttered desk.

"Hmm."

* * *

_Cause sooner or later it's over...  
I just don't want to miss you tonight..._

* * *

"Wow... I don't think I've seen her that... irked..." Sitting tiredly at the breakroom table, Greg looked up from his coffee, though he continued to stir it absently as his eyes drifted over to Catherine, who was helping herself to a cup of his secret stash. Too exhausted to care, he didn't try to stop her, instead peering through the series of glass walls between them and Grissom's office. It was difficult to see through the tinted window on his door, but it appeared that the person talking to the supervisor was standing, pacing around. "Any idea why she's so angry?"

"I heard that Gil took Nick off their case, and refused to split the team up again when she requested another shift change to Ecklie." Catherine answered boredly, rolling her eyes as she stirred some of the lab-provided nasty Coffee-mate creamer into her coffee, hoping it wouldn't ruin the taste too much.

"... Oh..."

"Yeah."

"She seems to have completely lost it since Sara left- have you noticed?"

At this, Catherine couldn't help but let out a dry laugh.

"Yeah, I've noticed. And the way she always manages to get Nick and Warrick."

"You don't think--"

"Greg, don't be thick. Of course she's after him. And with Sara gone, she must figure she has something of a chance."

"Nick would never go for that." Greg stated confidently, looking back at his coffee now and pulling out the stir stick. Taking a sip, he leaned back in his chair. "He really loves Sara."

"I think you're right- I hope you're right, but that's not going to stop _her_ trying."

* * *

**A/N:** So there you go... Chapter 13. Sorry it took so long to update- my excuse is.. (cough) life. As usual. (laughs) Anyway, hope it was enjoyed... So Sara's going to see Nicky for Christmas! Everyone kept saying 'send Nicky to see Sara!', so I had to do something- this works better with the rest of the plot. I can't wait to write the Christmas holidays chapters. :) Please drop me a review, let me know if you loved it... or god forbid.. hated it. (haha) Thanks, and...

Until next time, (and lots of lurve!)

**_-Sahariah_**


	14. I'll be Home for Christmas

**A/N:** Sorry it took so long to update, (again...)I just want to say..._wow guys..._you lot are bloody amazing. I received more feedback for the last chapter than I have since chapter one. (...Can you imagine my peachy-ness?) The story is... ehh, around it's halfway point now, I think. (...which means further conflict.Yay?) I planned out where I wanted this pieceto go a few months back,and I'm only just starting to get into what I've actually planned. (I can't believe it's been 6 months since I started planning for this thing. 0.o;;) Its totally my baby, haha. Thanks again for the great feedback. This chapter leads into the fluffyness I've been promising for a long time. (Sorry it took so long... you know how real life tends to take over.) Wow, too many brackets in that author's note. Whatever. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** I'll be Home for Christmas

* * *

By December 23rd, Las Vegas was facing the chilliest weather they'd seen in a long while. The temperature was sitting just below 6° F, about -15° C, the coldest the city had seen since 1963. Tourists in the city seemed the most disgruntled of folk, many having spent sizable amounts of money on their respective vacations only to be faced with far below freezing weather. Still, the casinos remained busy, and the strip was as wild as ever. The night was slow at CSI, as it seemed 'murder central' was chilling people so much that they'd decided it was simply too cold to kill. There were only a few cases on the go, mostly collision investigations thanks to the strangely icy conditions of the inner-city roads. 

Night shift hours were finally coming to an end as the sun began peaking its way above the desert horizon, offering hope to those snow haters who were too Scrouge-like to appreciate the white Christmas they'd been given. It wasn't until then that Grissom managed to catch up with his team, though they had all been seated in the breakroom for the past hour. He caught sight of them through the glass paneled walls, managing to keep his eyebrows down when he say how casual they appeared. Especially Catherine and Warrick. The blond was seated just a little closer than necessary to Brown, her head resting on his shoulder. Come to think of it, it looked like she was asleep. Warrick however, was watching the television in the corner of the room intently, a quaint look spread across his personable face. Nick, who was sitting on the counter, also appeared to be absorbed by the tube, the expression on his face something between very slight discomfort and childlike amusement. Sofia seemed absorbed in the coffee she was stealing from Greg's stash, trying not to wake the Blue Hawaiian's owner as he lay sprawled across another couch, also asleep.

"What's this?" Nick and Sofia both jumped as Grissom spoke after entering otherwise soundlessly. Hastily, Nick grabbed the remote beside him, and paused the movie they were watching, clearing his throat.

"Uh, Christmas movie. You know."

Warrick too looked up, first at the supervisor, then to Nick. The innocent look on the man's face made him chuckle, and, taking pity on his friend, he decided to help him out a bit.

"Charlie Brown Christmas, Gris. Greg here..." He tilted his head toward the drooling corpse on the other couch. "... thought we could use some Christmas spirit."

"Then he fell asleep." Nick smirked a little, but was not surprised that he could not manage his usual grin. Christmas spirit... was something rather lacking in him at the moment... Grissom however, did allow himself to smile.

"Well, I've got holiday schedules here for everyone; further the cheer. Since its been so slow lately there's more holiday time, though you'll still be on call some days, mind you..."

Eyebrows raised around the room, and Nick jumped off the counter, taking the papers from Grissom and proceeding to hand one first to Sofia, who was closest... then Warrick. He left the rest on the table in the center of the room, deciding the sleeping two could pick up their copies when they woke up.

"A whole week... wow, thanks Gris..." Warrick looked pleased as he examined his holidays. He stopped for a moment however when he counted everyone else's. "Nick, how come you have ten?"

"I don't know... Grissom?" Nick turned to direct his question to the supervisor but was surprised to see that he was no longer there. "Where'd he go? Did you see him leave?"

"No."

The voice that answered came from behind. Sofia.

"...must have had some paperwork to finish," she continued. "Hey Nick? Turn the movie back on, we still have 20 minutes on the clock." And the uncharacteristic simper she'd been wearing since Sara left crossed her face as she shot him a meaningful glance. Nick obliged, and Warrick rolled his eyes, secretly glad however that she didn't catch him as he did so. It was then that Catherine began to stir on his left shoulder, looking exhausted despite the fact her nap had lasted well over a half hour.

"... Did I actually fall asleep? Damn..." Rubbing her eyes, she stared at the man she'd passed out on. "...sorry." Looking sheepish, she managed a smile, and patted her hand on his leg. Warrick looked pleased with himself.

"Not at all..." He checked his watch. "You should get home to Linds... you have tomorrow off, by the way."

Catherine blinked.

"...What?"

"Tomorrow. You - don't - have - to - come - in - tomorrow."

"I heard you, but my day off was on Tuesday. It's Friday, 'Rick."

"Holiday schedules from Grissom."

"Ah..."

"So why does Nick have ten days?"

"No idea."

All eyes were on Nick again.

"Don't blame it on me, I didn't make the thing... Tried to ask Gris too, but he... disappeared."

Greg snorted in his sleep from the couch. Catherine raised her eyebrows as if to compound Greg's 'statement'.

"Riiight."

* * *

Nick took his time getting to the locker room following the end of shift, instead deciding to stay in the breakroom with a cup of Greg's coffee. He told himself he was waiting for mohawk man to wake up, but really, he could have nudged him anytime. In reality, he didn't want to talk about the additional three days off he'd been given for holidays any more than he had to. Given the current situation, he'd rather work through Christmas; at least it would take his mind off how lonely he'd been feeling since the day Sara left a month and a half ago. Someone like Catherine deserved the extra time off more than he did; after all, she had Lindsay... and judging by how close they'd been lately, Warrick too. He found himself chuckling at the thought. Just a month after Warrick's divorce from Tina. Boy, had that woman turned out to be a piece of work. But now that his marriage was over, Nick envied his friend more than he had anyone before, at least in recent memory. Warrick would probably be happy on Christmas. But then again, Christmas was just like any other day, right? What was the significance of the twenty fifth day of the twelfth month? Nothing, really... it was just an arbitrary date, surrounded by commercialized celebrations. But... growing up in Texas, it had been special. Somehow, it always _would_ be, as much as he tried to push it away. 

Wouldn't it be nice to see Sara for Christmas?

It was what he wanted more than anything; he wanted to see her. He missed her like crazy. And they'd barely talked the past two weeks.

"Our holidays overlap- we share three of the seven- well, ten, for you."

A voice interrupted his thoughts, and Nick stopped stirring his coffee, but refused to look up.

"Whaddo ya know?" He answered the voice dryly, wishing the voice would go away, because at the moment he was feeling so withdrawn that he feared he'd do something stupid.

"Three extra days then the rest of us; you're not going to waste it, are you? I mean, what fun is it being alone?"

_Shut up, shut up. Go away, I can't be around you right now-- Sara, I need to phone Sara... _"Hmm." Nick managed a shrug as he tapped his stir stick inside his Styrofoam coffee cup. Greg's snoring suddenly got louder, and decidedly less... uniform. He must have woken up, and was faking it now. Glad for an out, he grinned at Greg, still refusing to meet Sofia's eye.

"Nice snore, Greggo. Very realistic."

The phony snoring stopped, and a goofy grin crossed the still man's face, his eyes still closed. He cleared his throat in a dignified manner.

"Thanks."

"I, uh... have a phone call to make. See you next year." Nick continued to stare at Greg's motionless figure as he spoke, doing nothing more than raising an index finger to indicate he was talking to Sofia as he up and left the breakroom, punching the newest CSI playfully in the stomach as he exited through open glass doors.

* * *

The locker room was thankfully empty when he entered; shift had ended half an hour ago, and it seemed Catherine and Warrick had wasted no time in leaving. Nick was relieved to see that Sofia hadn't followed him; he was really harbouring some mixed emotions when it came to her. She'd been making strange and... admittedly thought provoking comments for the past while, implying things that he was afraid to think about. And clearly other people had noticed too; Warrick rolled his eyes so often that his green irises might as well have stayed that way, glued permanently to the top of his sockets. Grissom had even gone so far as to offer a _warning_- to avoid what he was getting into. 

_Well, why don't you just stop assigning us the same cases then?_

He felt the frustrated energy he had bottled start to seep out as he suddenly felt angry. He knew it from the beginning; Grissom couldn't have wanted him and Sara together. His 'warning' had to have been either guilt or an attempt to cover up his motives. After all, he did keep giving them the same cases; most recently it had been he, Sofia and Greg. Sure, Nick could understand Catherine and Warrick wanting to work together. Nick himself had asked to be assigned cases with Sara before she left. But why now was he always put with Sofia? He let out a tired breath as he counted to ten, leaning bareback against the lockers, clean shirt in hand. Whatever. Sara. That's all that mattered. He had to get away from Sofia, and he had to talk to Sara.

Nick threw his shirt on, sat himself down on the bench and began fishing for his cell in the pocket of his coat. He'd missed two calls. From... _Sara_.

He jumped when the silver phone started vibrating suddenly in his hand, just as he was about to open the

"Stokes," he answered shakily when he finally realized the thing was vibrating because someone was calling.

"Nicky! Its Sara! I'm sorry we haven't talked, I miss you like crazy, things are really busy and we just keep hitting dead ends but..." Sara blabbed so quickly that he barely caught what she was saying. "Oh, I have good news!" She finished impatiently.

Suddenly unable to form words, Nick managed to ask "What is it?"

"I'm coming home for Christmas!"

"You're kidding!"

"No, I'm not! My supervisor gave me time off, and the department is even paying for my flight; The only catch is I'm supposed to go to Grissom's stupid forensic entomology seminar. But if he just signs the guestbook for me... then, well..."

"It'll be so great to see you! This supervisor of yours sounds like a damn saint! When do you get in?"

"Tomorrow night, 4:00... Gate 11B. I've got a week and a half."

"I'll come and get you... Gris gave me ten days as well..." Nick realized his supervisor must have heard in advance Sara's holidays plans. "Anything special you want to do?"

"Umm... actually, I was thinking maybe we could go for a ski trip! You know... for a _White Christmas,_" she laughed over the line, and Nick's heart fluttered.

"We're actually going to be having a white Christmas in Vegas, if you can believe it... it's about six degrees up here."

"... you're kidding! Snow in Vegas?..."

"Yeah! We'll have to go for a toboggan ride!" Nick chuckled, grinning more than he had in days. Sara laughed too.

"Sounds like fun. I think I'd like that..." He could feel her smile radiating through the phone. "But how _do_ you feel about skiing?..."

His grin turned sheepish. "I've never been skiing, Sar. I dunno..."

"You'd love it, Nick. Let's go for a few days? After Christmas? Please? I haven't been since I was about twelve, and it'll be so much fun with just the two of us."

"Alright, alright... but if I break something, it'll be your fault," he whispered teasingly, wondering just how in such a small conversation she'd managed to talk him into..._skiing_. It wasn't that he didn't want to go... it was just something he'd never really considered doing. He'd always been more of the horse riding type.

"Thanks, Nick! You _will_ like it, promise! Anyway, I'm sorry I sort of jumped into that, I was just too excited. It's been a long time since, well, you know... Christmas might actually be great this year..."

"Its alright, I know... and it will be. I miss you like crazy; can't wait to see you again."

"Yeah, same here. Its lonely without you."

* * *

_I'm dreamin' tonight of a place I love  
Even more then I usually do  
And although I know it's a long road back  
I promise you_

_I'll be home for Christmas  
You can count on me  
Please have snow and mistletoe  
And presents under the tree  
Christmas Eve will find me  
Where the love light beams  
I'll be home for Christmas..._

* * *

**A/N:** If I didn't leave it at that, this chapter would have gone on forever. Sorry about that. Hopefully it won't be long before I get the next one up. (And so, near the end of January, Christmas begins. Really logical Sahariah, smart. XD) Thanks for reading, and please drop me a line! Mucho Gracias! 

Until Next Time,

-**_Sahariah_**


	15. Let it Snow!

**A/N:** I should probably mention how -15 degrees Celsius is _soo_ not cold. You're talking to a Canadian girl… By the way, we don't live in igloos. Yes, I've actually been asked that. (siighh) Oh, and I recommend listening to a nice old, cheesy Bing Crosby version of 'Let it Snow' as you read the last half of the story. (laughs!) I have this thing about snow and romance- they're both fluffy, and… romantic. XD I love this. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Let it Snow!

* * *

"Sara!"

"Nicky!"

Long raven locks flew gracefully into the air as a slim woman dropped her carry along bags abruptly upon exiting the airport gates, leaving them discarded in the hall as she sprinted to the handsome cowboy that awaited her in the crowd of people just outside. The huge smile on her face caught several stares as she fell into his arms as if they hadn't seen each other in years.

"Oh, honey… I missed you so much!" Sara threw her arms around Nick's body, pulling him closer even than he had already pulled her, never once removing her eyes from his.

"I missed you too, more than you know. I can't believe you're back…" His smile dazzled as he fought back the tears that had formed in his eyes, his hands moving to cup her slender face. "Oh Sara… you look so _thin_…" He couldn't help but notice that her already slight frame seemed to be even leaner than before. "Have you been eating? _Sleeping_? Honey,-"

"Nicky, Nicky… stop, I'm fine, really. The last few months have just been stressful…" She buried her head in his chest, knowing he was still looking at her worriedly. But unless she was mistaken, he too seemed thinner; his cheekbones and jaw more prominent, his waist smaller as she held her arms around him… "You're thinner too…" Looking up, she saw him raise his eyebrows.

"Naw…" He gazed offhandedly at the bicep that was covered partially by his tight fitting t-shirt, trying to gauge its possible… shrinkage. "You think so?" Sara raised her own eyebrows.

"You haven't noticed?"

"No, actually… I haven't stood in front of a mirror for ages." He smiled gently at her, capturing the lips he'd missed so much in a delicate kiss for the first time in months. "There hasn't been anyone to look good for…"

Sara couldn't help but giggle at this. That didn't sound like the Nick Stokes she'd known years ago. It seemed he had matured; realized that life really was too short to worry about trivial things like barely noticeable cowlicks in the morning. She figured perhaps she could use the same excuse.

"Yeah, well…" He felt her whispers on his lips. "...same here." And again the space between them was closed, Nick running his hands through her dark locks as they touched, each movement desperate as if the other were terrified they'd be separated again at any moment. It wasn't until they realized they were nearly alone in the emptied terminal that they slowed down again, Sara's cheeks turning only a slightly pink hue as she looked around. _Oops._

"Sorry, s'cuse me, this yours?" An old caretaker had snuck up behind them and nudged Nick with the bag Sara had left just up the hall earlier. They both jumped, and the caretaker gave a good natured chuckle and apologized, seeming a little embarrassed for interrupting so suddenly after their rather… _involved_ reunion. He had, of course, been watching… a 'young' couple caught in a little lip lock was much more interesting than the dizzyingly identical floor tiles he cleaned on a daily basis. "Sorry."

Sara managed to gather herself. "Yes, thanks. Sorry for leaving it up there. Just…" She looked uncomfortable, but humored the man before her. "Well, y'know. Thanks." The caretaker handed her the bag, nodded, and went back to work, trying not to grin. Nick, on the other hand, didn't hide his chuckle.

"I guess we were longer than we thought." He took Sara's bag from her, giving her an insisting look when she tried to argue. "Let's go get your luggage?"

"Alright." She gave a tightlipped smile, trying to look everywhere but at him, eventually jabbing him playfully in the ribs as they stepped onto the down-bound escalator to where the luggage belts were.

* * *

"So, how do you feel? Do you have jetlag?" Nick asked Sara as they jumped into his Denali, shivering from the uncharacteristic cold of the afternoon.

"Hmm, well, not really… I mean, the flight was about an hour long, even with delays. Why, do you have something in mind? It's quarter after four…"

"Well, everyone will want to see you, and they've all gone out for a late lunch… or in our case, an extremely early breakfast…" Nick yawned. "Are you feeling up to it? Maybe just for an hour, then we can leave… That way, we don't have to deal with them for the rest of holidays…" He cocked an eyebrow suggestively, and Sara laughed. He hadn't seen her look so happy in a long time, especially given the events of the past while. Even her voice on the phone didn't seem at all perky. Then again, he'd been much the same way.

"Yeah, okay… sounds fine to me. I'm not really hungry though…"

"When's the last time you ate, Sar?"

"Lunch!" Sara answered defensively, trying to sound as if she resented his truthfully caring inquiry.

"…alright. Well, they're probably already done eating, anyway. Maybe call Greg? See where they are?"

"He won't freak out, will he?"

Nick chuckled tiredly, shaking his head a little as he willed himself to keep staring at the road. "He uh… might. He thinks he misses you more than I do. Err, _did_. Still do. --You know what I mean…"

She smiled a little, touched. "I love you," she whispered into his ear as she placed a chaste kiss on his cheek, picking up his cell phone from the cup holder as they drove… wherever. "And I missed you too. Knowing that I'd eventually come back home… and that you'd _still_be there kept me going every day."

Nick felt a shiver slide slowly down his back, and he suddenly felt strange, biting his lip. But he smiled it off, and Sara didn't seem to notice as she dialed Greg's number into his cell.

"Sanders."

"_Tadaima!_"

"…_Sara_? Is that you?"

"Yes Greggo; I'm home."

* * *

The team had already been for lunch by the time Nick and Sara were anywhere close by. Apparently after leaving the restaurant, Greg and surprisingly Warrick had talked everyone into throwing on a pair of ice skates a nearby hockey rink. A little unwillingly, Nick drove them there; his hand clasped in Sara's the entire time as she hummed excitedly to the tune of the radio. He hadn't seen her look so happy in a long time; not since they first got together. Her thin face seemed to be set in her beautiful smile, and he found himself smiling with her, unable to feel at all troubled with the prospect of putting on a pair of skates for the first time in a good twenty years at least.

"What do you want to do tonight? Christmas Eve?"

"Hmmm… I have a few ideas…"

Nick laughed. "Do tell…"

Sara grinned wider at him, and managed a little wink before he started tickling her at a red light. "You—" …she keeled over giggling, swatting Nick's hand as she tried to speak with great difficulty. "You first!— Ah, stop it! Ahahaha!"

"Well…" He shot her a dazzler, and a mischievous look to match. "I thought since we're lucky enough to have some snow this year, we could put it to use…" Sara sighed in relief as he finally stopped tickling her, and eyed him suggestively, wearing a smirk now.

"A nice walk in the moonlight,"

"A nice snowball fight in the backyard—" Nick tried to speak just a twinge louder than her, but she ignored him as best as she could, stressing her next idea a little more…

"Making snow angels, and using drops of hot cocoa to make eyes and smiles…"

"_Maybe a few tackles into snowbanks…_" He elbowed her lightly as he finally hit the gas again when the light turned green.

"But it might be cold outside…"

"You know the best way to warm up—" Her dark eyes twinkled as they met his, and she noted again the suggestive raising of his eyebrows, though he tried to keep his gaze on the road.

"I seem to recall someone telling me it was _body heat_," she answered laughing, deciding then was the perfect time to crack open her window ever so slightly… Nick noticed and got the tease, rolling his own down just a little further than hers. Somehow in the process, his finger managed to _slip_ ever so slightly, and he hit the driver control button for Sara's window, lowering it fully so the cold wind poured into the vehicle, blowing her soft curls from her face as she winced in discomfort.

"_Niicckk! _That's _cold!_" She whined, trying to roll up the window with her own power button, but it seemed he'd put the lock on. "Nick, I'm freezing!"

"_OHH, the weather outside is frightful…_" Ignoring her cries, Nick slid down every window in the SUV, including the moonroof and broke into song in sheer delight, tiny snowflakes blowing into the car from all directions, covering both their heads, and eyelashes…

"_But this fire we share is so delightful…_" Sara couldn't help but laugh at how he changed the words, despite the little shiver that was running down her spine as she watched Nick, grinning profusely as she considered singing along; but she'd never been the singing type.

"_And since we've no place to go…_" Nick managed to laugh out, swinging Sara's hand between them, encouraging her to sing as they flew down the strip, still being pelted gently with snowflakes in the surreal winter wonderland.

"_LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!_"

* * *

By the time they pulled into the arena parking lot, Nick had Sara dancing with him to the door, twirling her around as they tried not to slip on the ice and snow. They both seemed to be glowing; their cheeks pink in the cold and their noses red, as they finally fell together again, laughing and so jovial to be back in each other's arms after nearly four months apart.

"God, I love you." Nick laughed as he caught Sara when she fell for the third time, mid pirouette. He pulled her close and they just stood there together, smiling and listening to one another's heartbeat as the snow continued to fall all around them.

"I love you too," she replied, burying her cold face in his warm neck as they started to sway again. He grinned, and continued his little tune…

"_As long as you love me so…_"

"_Let it snow, Let it snow_…"

He captured her lips with hers, feeling her smile as he ran his hands through her snowy curls.

_"Let it snow…"

* * *

_

**A/N:** Okay, so nothing _really_ happened; but hey, you got some nice Snickers fluff, with more to come! Ahh, how I love happy bits. :) I do hope you enjoyed; I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, but you know… real life. I totally prefer this version of life, though. More soon.

Please drop me a review and tell me what you thought!

Until Next Time, (and _let it snow!_)

**_-Sahariah_**


	16. Thank You

**A/N:** Ahh, I'm such a bad author! I'm sorry for not updating, I just haven't had the patience lately to sit down and put something together. Hopefully this will please. Oh, and from the previous chapter… I forgot to mention that '_Tadaima_' is Japanese for 'I'm home'. One of the lab techs in San Fran was rubbing off on her. :) Consider it a 'deleted scene'. I also need to mention two things before this chapter gets started:

1) I'm still in denial about the whole Warrick/Tina thing, and

2) I think Grissom figure skating is really funny.

So shoot me. (laughs) Okay, on with the story, and as always, I don't own it. Nor do I own _Thank You_, which belongs to Alanis Morissette. It's a fairly powerful song; I'm quite fond of it. Oh, and today, March 1st, 2006, is **George Eads'** 39th birthday! So happy birthday to George- I love you, I love you, I love you…. XD

* * *

**Chapter Title:** Thank You

* * *

When Nick finally lead Sara into the chill of the arena from the admittedly colder air outside, it appeared the entire team had already made it onto the ice. They caught a glimpse of Catherine through the glass, and both seemed unable to hold back the laugh that came with seeing her, of all people, stumbling about on the silver blades, apparently much to the delight of Warrick, who seemed to have made a point of flanking her from the right side, perhaps standing a little closer than necessary as he attempted to aid her balance. Lindsay was skating circles around the pair, grinning profusely.

"Look at those two. Tell me they aren't together." Sara shook her head as she watched Warrick again catch the usually graceful blonde, finally shooting a sarcastic smile at Nick, who chuckled lightly.

"I think I'd be lying…"

Just as the words escaped his mouth, a head popped up abruptly from below the glass, just behind the boards that separated them from the ice. Without warning, the face of Greg Sanders was suddenly plastered firmly to the thick glass, causing the whole left side of his head to flatten against the surface and eyes to bulge from his face in a very comical manner. An absurd smirk crossed the 2-D portion of his face, and finally a tongue stuck out, licking the only thing that separated them from his mouth. Nick and Sara both jumped and Greg exploded with laughter, managing to loose his balance soon afterward, finally falling square on his ass. At this point Catherine, Warrick, Grissom and Lindsay had all looked to the source of the commotion, along with several of the some 10 other people on the ice who seemed to find a thirty something year old man's plastering his whole face to the arena glass as an indication of severe immaturity or quite possibly a mental problem. Greg just threw another goofy glance over his shoulder, announcing that someone had arrived.

"Hey, guys!" He waved a gloved hand at the team, signaling they should come over. "Someone's here!"

Catherine and Warrick exchanged mildly puzzled looks as the latter lead them to the boards, Grissom and Lindsay following behind. "Who could be here? I thought Nicky wasn't coming?" She silently prayed Sophia hadn't decided to join them after all; she had made some lame excuse about having to tidy up her apartment before a couple old friends flew in from New Jersey. Warrick shrugged, Nick had left the lab before he had the chance to talk to him. Grissom however, floated quite gracefully by them on his skates, a familiar boyish simper playing at his lips.

"He just had to take care of something first. He was coming, and it looks like he's here—"

"Sara!" Warrick's green eyes grew wide in surprise as he caught sight of the pretty woman who stood at Nick's side. "Girl, you made it home for Christmas!"

Sara grinned from her place beside Nick, waving joyfully at the family she hadn't seen in months. The team quickly jumped off the ice through the open gate nearby, taking turns welcoming her back and giving hugs. Before long, her eyes were filled with tears. She'd forgotten just how much she missed everyone. A nagging voice at the back of her head told her she'd still have to go back in a mere ten days, but the pure joy and relief of the moment allowed her to push such cruel thoughts out of her mind for the time being. At the moment, all that mattered was that she was finally home.

* * *

"Hey Mom! Grissom just did an axel!"

Lindasay had skated off into a distant corner to practice the few jumps she'd learned in the past year and a half of her figure skating lessons, when she caught sight of the supervisor. The whole group, which now included Nick and Sara who had rented a couple pairs of skates, looked around in surprise, taking a moment to first find Lindsay and then Grissom, who had escaped to the opposite corner they all had their backs to as they watched Catherine's daughter.

"Grissom can do axels? No way!" Sara whispered to herself from beside Nick, who had wrapped an arm around her shoulder as they caught sight of the entomologist. Though everyone was now watching him, Grissom still appeared as oblivious as ever, skating around a bit before he pulled off another jump. Catherine snorted. Greg just sort of stood there, wide-eyed as before.

"I had no idea he could even skate. Here _I_ am, falling over, and he's pulling jumps when he thinks no one is watching."

"He's really good…" Greg murmured, kicking at the ice absent mindedly as his eyes continued to follow Grissom across the width of the arena and back again.

Eventually, Lindsay glided up to join the group, stopping at her mother's side. Catherine smirked, tapping her on the shoulder. "Hey Linds? Do you know what he's doing?"

"Yeah, I think our routine is pretty similar."

"Do you think you could copy him?"

Her face quickly cracked into a mischievous grin and she nodded, letting out a little giggle as she skated out to join the boss at the other end of the arena.

_Toe, stop, right and around, jump… jump and glide… _

_Arm and arm… one two three four— _

"Whoa!—"

It took a moment for Grissom to notice he had a partner. In fact, it wasn't until the two nearly crashed that he so much as opened his eyes, capturing the girl in his arms to avoid running into her.

"Lindsay! Sorry, I had no idea you were there!"

The girl giggled, smirking at him in a way so like her mother that he actually staggered back in surprise. She quickly looked back at the group, who stood watching with _gotcha_ looks on each of their faces. Grissom looked up as well, and, seeing this, smiled weakly, offering them a sheepish wave with Lindsay still in his arms.

* * *

Not long after Grissom and Lindsay's doubles performance, the group was ushered off the ice by the Zamboni. Sara was caught in several more hugs, and eventually everyone parted ways; Warrick, Catherine and Lindsay heading home to join Catherine's mom for Christmas Eve dinner, Grissom supposedly off to a bug-related society's Christmas Party, Greg leaving for a date with Amber, who he informed them was a very special green-eyed blonde, and finally Nick and Sara, who decided to head home for their own night of celebration.

The drive back to their apartment was fairly fast; it seemed everyone had already headed home to spend time with their families or 'significant others'. The thought brought a smile to Nick's face as he mulled over how lucky he was this Christmas. He stole a look at Sara as he pulled the SUV to a halt at a red light, and couldn't help but laugh at the look on her face. She seemed to notice, because she returned his look with a laugh of her own. "What?"

"You just look so…"

"Deliriously happy?" She finished for him, crossing her eyes for dramatic effect.

"That could definitely be it!" Nick grinned, clasping her hand between them as they sat through the rest of the trip in comfortable silence.

------

"God, I missed this place so much…" Sara's soft voice filled the apartment that had in the last few months been an empty void without her. He had hardly spent any time there while she was gone, finding it easier to deal if he only went home to eat and sleep, never for more than about 7 hours a day. And that was when he _could_ sleep.

"I missed _you_ so much…" Nick snaked his arms around her waist as she took in the sight of her home as if it were the first time she'd ever been there. Her lips twitched into a sad smile, and she turned in his arms to face him, pulling him closer.

"I missed you too. And I still can't believe I'm home. _We're_ home."

She loved the way his eyes crinkled at the sides when he let that dazzling smile loose, his nose just barely touching hers as he dipped down to capture her lips in with his own. The amazing masculine smell that was uniquely Nick Stokes was almost overpowering her every sense as she allowed herself to melt into his kiss, feeling herself comfortably drowning in his deep eyes as her own flickered open; she needed to see him, to be sure that she was in fact with him again. Every voice in her head seemed to be screaming that it was too good to be true. Four months. _Four_ months, she'd waited for this moment. And it couldn't be more perfect.

"You're so beautiful." Nick's eyes appeared to have glazed over as he fought to keep a tear from falling. His fingers toyed again with the soft dark curls at the back of her head, now longer than he'd ever seen them. Sara just smiled, and buried her face in his shoulder, her arms holding him as close as possible.

Then the phone rang.

Sara sighed, turning her head just enough to catch Nick's eye.

"Just leave it. Let them leave a message." He placed a kiss on her cheek, still smiling as he decided to kick his shoes off. Sara did the same, fully ignoring the shrill ring of the phone until the answering machine kicked on.

_"Hey Nick, it's __Sofia__. I was wondering if you wanted to join me for dinner tonight; just didn't want you to have to spend Christmas Eve alone. Give me a call back if you're around, and I'll talk to you later."_

Nick kicked himself for having turned up the volume on the stupid machine earlier so he could listen to the messages as he did his laundry the day before. Sara just shot Nick a confused look as she threw her shoes in the closet.

" Sofia just invited you to dinner? What the hell was that?" She raised her eyebrows, trying not to laugh. Nick took this as a good sign, allowing himself to chuckle as well, shaking his head as he rolled his eyes.

"I have no idea. I certainly wasn't expecting it…"

"You gonna call her back?" Sara pursed her lips, having now suppressed her laughter she was trying to control the smile that threatened to cross her face. Sofia calling Nick. Asking him out. That was just funny, certainly not a reason to worry, right? More a reason to laugh hysterically than anything else. Sofia didn't even know she was back; she hadn't been skating with the rest of the team.

"Of course not." Nick looked at her like she was crazy, she giggled, and they left it at that.

"So, what should we do for Christmas Eve dinner, Nicky?" Sara decided to lighten the strange chill in mood that seemed to follow the unanswered phone call. She followed him into the kitchen as she waited for him to answer, and was surprised to see that hardly anything had changed since she left. The same notes remained on the fridge, all the furniture and appliances remained in the same place… it was as if she never left. "You didn't spend much time here while I was away, did you?"

"Hmm? Oh, no, not really…" He admitted sheepishly, opening up the fridge to grab a drink. "I just don't like being here when you aren't with me. Do you want a drink?"

"How about a beer?"

Nick laughed, but handed her a beer from the fridge anyway. "Beer?"

"I feel like a beer." Sara grinned as she accepted the can, watching him dip his head back down into the friends as she decided to open the tab right beside his ear. Nick jumped in surprise, grabbing her from behind when she turned around laughing. "Ah, no, please!"

"You asked for it, Sidle." He wrapped his arms around her stomach, poking and tickling her as her laughs turned to hysterics.

"No! Nicky— ahahahaha…."

Nick laughed along with her, but stopped when his hand move up to her ribs… he could feel each one. She'd already been so thin when she left… He frowned slightly, and Sara winced when she felt his hand come to rest on her side. She knew exactly what he was going to say, and she already hated the air of worry that would inevitably be present in his eyes when he looked at her.

"Sara? Honey?"

* * *

_Thank you terror, _

_Thank you disillusionment, _

_Thank you frailty, _

_Thank you consequence, _

_Thank you… _

_Thank you, silence…

* * *

_

She didn't answer him, instead setting her can of beer on the counter and allowing herself to collapse in his arms.

"Sara? Look at me…"

Nick traced his fingertips down her jaw line and back again, willing her to tilt her head up from his shoulder to meet his eyes. When she finally obliged, she looked gaunt, the smile having somehow faded from her face.

"I'm okay, it's alright…"

"No… Sara, you're not…"

* * *

_How about me enjoying the moment for once… _

_How about grieving it all one at a time… _

_How about not equating death with stopping… _

_--- _

_Thank you nothingness, _

_Thank you clarity, _

_Thank you… _

_Thank you, silence…

* * *

_

**A/N: **I fear I've opened up another big can of worms. Please drop me a review and let me know your thoughts! It was a long chapter, I know… but I'm sure no one minds, right:) I hope to be back with the next installment shortly!

**_-Sahariah_**


	17. I Don't Know

_**A/N: **"I Don't Know" – Celine Dion. Don't own it, or CSI. But you already knew that, you smart people, you! XD Heeheee._

_Anyone who has ever experienced an eating disorder may have different views on how Sara would be feeling and what she'd be thinking about than I've expressed in this chapter. But I pin her reason on the magnitude of stress she's under at the moment. Just… let it play through your mind as you read, and think about what she's going through. 'nuff said about that. :) Sorry for the delay in chapter-posting; I know I said I'd get the next one up here soon. There's 2 months left in the school year; I still have 35 percent to complete. And I'm freaking out. (laughs) Hope this makes up for it! Thanks for the awesome feedback, I should also mention where I got the 'Sara has been gone for 4 months' thing- Chapter 1 starts with Nicky's birthday, which is around August 18th, I believe… so its actually a little more than 4 months, as this chapter takes place on Christmas Eve._

_

* * *

_

"What's wrong?"

"Everything is wrong, Nick…" Sara averted her eyes from his warm, concerned gaze, staring instead at the floor, whose faint emotionless glare seemed much safer. "Look, it's okay... I just haven't been able to keep anything down lately. I'll be fine now I'm with you-" A faint smile crossed her lips as she added "…I'm sure..." It was true; the stress of the last month before Christmas had been extreme. The whole SFPD team was chasing the brutal gang they suspected was behind the airport bombings, trying to nail members of the group for anything possible. Truth be told, they were scrambling- so desperate for tangible evidence not ruined or lost in the blazes that nearly every scrap had been sent into the labs or even to other cities for the most extensive analysis available. The frustration and stress had gotten to everyone, and whenever Adelaide and Michael (who were even forced to postpone their already late honeymoon) _did_ manage to get her to eat anything, Sara would almost unconsciously find herself in the bathroom less than a half hour later… gagging. It was as if she had no control over it… but she hoped it would maybe stop now that she was back with Nick, that finally being with him again would relax her enough to keep that horrible stirring feeling in her stomach at bay, the impulsive purging from rearing its ugly head.

"You're damn right, I will…" Nick mumbled softly, only half intending Sara to hear him. Her eyes flickered up from the floor as his assurance filled them further with tears.

"Thank you," She offered him a watery smile. "I love you Nicky…"

It was all Nick could do at that moment not to melt into the kitchen tile at the mere sight of her. She looked so fragile, and he knew she was; both emotionally and physically. And yet… she was still incredibly beautiful… and stubborn as ever. He returned her feeble smile as best he could, wrapping her very slender body tightly in his arms as he pulled her close… and they just stood there, hugging one another for a long moment, each unable to pull away for fear that they'd loose the other again.

* * *

_A mountain of stone, a door of steel…_

_Can't stand in my way,_

_I'd go on…

* * *

_

"You got a Christmas tree…" Sara spied a little dark green pine in the corner of the living room as they finally broke apart, her hands sliding down from their position on his chest to clasp his between them. Swiftly brought back to consciousness after their long silence, Nick allowed his mouth to form a slight smile, which only grew larger when he caught the twinkle in her eye as she stared at the modest tree. It was during moments like these that he realized how much she made him feel like a kid again.

"Mm hmm… I thought you'd like it…" He brushed a dark curl from her face as he too turned to take in the sight of the corner he'd decorated himself just a few days previous. At the time, he'd thought he'd be spending Christmas alone, and throwing up a few ribbons and bunches of mistletoe was his attempt to lessen the loneliness he felt without Sara. Of course, it hadn't helped much, but he found at the very least that it helped him to envision her there with him as he sat alone and admittedly miserable beneath the white berries. He could have gone out with Greg and Warrick, who had offered to take him to a sports game, a bar, even a nightclub… but he just couldn't bring himself to do much during his time off. _Other than avoid Sofia, that is_, his subconscious deadpanned. But the thought was soon pushed far from his mind as he watched a solitary tear trace the lines already forged down her slight cheeks, her face cracking into the gap-toothed grin he'd missed so much. Her words, however, wiped the matching smile he wore right off Nick's face.

"I've never had a Christmas tree before."

"You're kidding me, Sar… Never?"

"No… I never really had one as a kid; I mean, the B&B had one upstairs during Christmas, but we never used it. It was just for the guests," she glanced at Nick. "… Sounds stupid, I know. But the part of the house we lived in never got decorated for Christmas or anything, and if we got a present, they jut put it at the end of our beds." Sara sighed, looking troubled, as if trying not to think about something. "I didn't live in the dorms at Harvard, so there wasn't one there… and I guess I've never had a reason to get one since." Smiling wistfully, she finished, "I'm not complaining, but Christmas really is just another day when you're alone."

* * *

_I've tasted fear, my share of pain…_

_The wasted tears,_

_Of love in vain…

* * *

_

Nick found himself unable to imagine what Christmas must have been like for Sara as a child. He couldn't fathom what it would have been like not to be brought up in a house full of family, love and Christmas spirit.

"Never again, Sar." His fingertips caressed her cheek gently as he drew close to kiss her, loosing himself in those eyes that seemed to hold pools of emotion so deep that nothing could ever reach bottom. Sara's heart fluttered in her chest at the feeling of his body coming closer to hers once more, and suddenly the loneliness she'd felt in the last four months released itself in a burst of emotion. She nearly collapsed in his arms as her slight form began to tremble almost involuntarily and Nick, sensing this, took her in his arms and carried her to the couch they always used to sit in together, this time looking out the bay window into the snowy evening. Sara barely noticed. Everything was coming out. Her fault in the deaths of two people she cared for, the frustration of her helplessness in the face of her responsibility, her lost past… the pain she knew she'd inflicted on too many people; Blaze, _Nick_… And yet, here they still were; Blaze looking after her and even sending her home for Christmas, and _Nick_- who would give her the very shirt off his back without so much as a second thought. She had no right… she didn't deserve it….

"Shh… Shhhh, honey…" Nick held her steady in his arms as she struggled to regain her composure. He rocked her back and forth, laying her head on the arm of the couch, her shoulders and back in his lap as he smoothed her hair from her face, attempting to comfort her. Somehow, despite the sudden outburst, he was hardly surprised that she'd broken down. She didn't seem herself, even when he picked her up at the airport, but he knew her too well to expect that she'd pour everything out in public. "It'll get better… shh…" There was no doubt in his mind she was crying over more than being alone for so long. "I'm here… _we're_ here. Together."

"I'm sorry…" she shuddered, willing herself to calm down enough to speak. She felt like a selfish child, dumping herself on him.

"Shh… it's okay…"

* * *

_I'm sure I could face the bitter cold…_

_But a life without you,_

_I don't know…

* * *

_

The next hour passed by as Sara laid in Nick's lap, almost dozing off in the comfort of his arms. He himself almost drifted off as well, still smoothing her soft curls, drying the damp tear stains on her cheeks. The silence seemed to speak for them, as the room was quiet, the peace only broken by the muted strains of classical Christmas music that could be heard from outside. It wasn't until Sara stirred slightly that they both seemed to wake up.

"I love you, Nick." A serene whisper from below filled his ear, almost song-like. He smiled, looking down at the bearer of the angel's voice.

"I love you too." His voice cracked faintly when he caught sight of the smile that had shyly crept up on her face as well. Subconsciously he felt the tips of her fingers brushing gently the hand he'd rested on her waist to keep her from falling.

"Pachelbel's Cannon." Sara whispered again, pushing everything but thoughts of Nick from her mind with as much force as she could muster. The neighbors must have had their stereo cranked up all the way, because she could hear the Christmas string symphony quite clearly, though the sound remained delicate, festive.

"My favourite." Nick replied, also noting how clearly they could hear the music but not finding he minded all that much. He was surprised when Sara slowly sat up, finally standing and offering to help him to his feet as well.

"Care to dance?" She spoke softly, gently, clasping his shoulder with her left hand. It was just an excuse to be closer to him. He chuckled lightly, holding her right hand with his left, placing his right palm on her thin waist.

"I'd be honoured, m'lady." Unable to keep the amused grin off his face, Nick started them off in a deliberately slow waltz step, drawing her so close to him that their clasped hands unlocked, each holding the other's arm halfway up instead. They were so close… Sara could feel his every sigh, her head resting lightly on his shoulder as they moved to the music. She became so concentrated on his heartbeat that she barely noticed a few moments later that he'd led them back into the kitchen, to the living room, and finally… under a bunch of mistletoe that hung from the ceiling.

"Look up, Sar…" Nick raised his eyebrows toward the ceiling, and she obliged, tilting her head back just enough to see what was directly above them, a few of her brunette locks tickling his hand softly. Another warm smile crossed her face as she looked from the mistletoe to Nick. She closed her eyes expectantly; clearly unable to keep the smug look from her face as she pointed to her cheek, blindly indicating that he'd better kiss her. In truth, it was all she could do to keep from giggling; he however, didn't manage to suppress his chuckle. Capturing her pink lips with his own, he managed to guide her head back to face him fully. She let out a soft moan of surprise, having expected him to lay his lips softly on her cheek, though she could hardly complain. Nick's hand escaped hers, wandering instead into her dark hair, weaving through the dark curls. The kiss was gentle at first, but quickly became fervent; his lungs took in a sharp breath at her lips when he felt her left hand, which had previously been tracing the contours of his shoulder, begin playing at his belt buckle.

"Nicky... what's wrong…" Her breathing a little laboured, Sara frowned slightly as she felt him momentarily stiffen, her eyes still closed as she drew her lips back a bit to speak.

"Nothing… nothing at all," Nick had to stop for a second to consider what was really happening. She was really there, she really _was _back. He placed another short kiss on her lips, to which she attempted to respond, but he pulled back too fast. Her eyes flickered open in confusion, meeting his for a split second before he swept her off her feet. At this she let out a muffled yelp of surprise, which was only to be quickly replaced by giggles as his gaze caught hers once more. Nick raised his eyebrows suggestively as Sara finally removed his belt, a triumphant grin on her face and eyes sparkling with laughter as they set off in the direction of the bedroom.

* * *

_I've learned how to deal and when to fight_

_I know what's real, I know what's right_

_I'm not afraid,_

_A wounded dove…_

_I can be tender,_

_In a world so tough…_

_-------_

_I'm sure I could face the bitter cold…_

_But a life without you,_

_I don't know…_

* * *

_**A/N:** Sometimes I think this story is bipolar. (laughs) It's almost scary. I had planned to make this chapter really long, as this story is already going to be so lengthy that I shouldn't be posting chapters without pushing the plot along at least a little. Sadly, fluff does not advance my plotline. (But that's never really stopped me before……) In the end I decided to end it here, and immediately begin writing the next chapter. Again, I'm really sorry for leaving this for an entire month- I tried several times to follow up on the cliffie I left at the end of chapter 16, quite unsuccessfully. I just couldn't get it right until now. Hopefully that won't happen again, my muse is a little bizarre at times. :) I hope you enjoyed, please let me know what you think, and scream at me for not updating if you have to. God knows I deserve it! (laughs) Happy April Fools day, too, by the way! XD_

_-**Sahariah**_


	18. Santa Hats

**A/N:** I'm terrible, I know. Sorry for the wait. Here's chapter 18!

The next morning, Nick woke to the familiar scent of Sara's jasmine shampoo, blinking his eyes into focus as he observed her dark locks sprawled lazily on his chest and side. An easy grin spread across his pillow-crumpled face and he turned slightly to look out the bedroom window, realizing as the events of the night before replayed in his head that it was in fact still snowing; he could see the little flakes float by even in the still dark of the morning.

"Merry Christmas, Beautiful," He shifted himself from the headboard of the bed as gently as possible, willing her not to sense the movement as his lips came just close enough to her ear for him to whisper lightly as a few strands of long raven hair fell from his chest to the white sheets below. A coy smile played at her lips as his warm breath tickled her neck, still managing to send little shivers down her spine despite her semi-conscious state. Eyes still closed, her warm hand found his as she too shifted to face him as a soft pair of lips began dropping little kisses on her mouth.

"Merry Christmas yourself," She chuckled tiredly, propping her head up on an elbow as her eyes finally flickered open. He looked adorable; his puppy eyes twinkling childishly as they caught hers, hair still ruffled from sleep. His grin grew larger as he reached under the bed, feeling around for a moment before pulling out a fluffy red and white Santa hat, which he promptly dropped delicately on her head where it slid forward, covering her eyes. Unable to restrain herself, Sara grinned back, shaking her head as she tried to restore her vision. "You twit… God, I love you." Finally giving up, she used her free hand to fix the Santa hat properly on her head before rolling on top of him, making no attempt to hide her smile. He laughed and tugged the front of her hat over her eyes again before capturing her lips in hers.

"I love you too," he tilted his head slightly to try to catch a glimpse of her eyes beneath the hat. "My festive little lass."

Sara snorted. "You didn't just call me '_lass_', did you?

"Indeed I did." His fingers toyed with the little white pompom that adorned the hat, finally tugging it back slightly when he took pity on her inability to see or fix the thing herself while her hands were occupied.

"Ugh, _thank you_." She crunched her eyes closed, trying to clear her vision again. Taking advantage of her momentarily vulnerable position, Nick rolled them back onto their sides and promptly placed another kiss on her lips before making to get up. "Mm, baby, where are you going?" Sara raised an eyebrow as she re-positioned her head on one of their many pillows and tugged Nick's Santa hat over her ears.

"Downstairs, of course! Don't you want presents?" He really did look like an excited young boy on Christmas morning. Throwing a housecoat on over his bare shoulders, Nick shuddered a little, mumbling something about how cold it was outside of bed before scanning the room for hers. Finding it handing on the left side of their four-poster bed, he tossed it to her and together they headed downstairs.

Sara's eyes grew wide as she saw the Christmas tree. He must have gotten up earlier to turn all the little lights that lit up the entire apartment suite, sometimes flashing every few seconds and casting subtle shadows on the walls. "It's beautiful, Nicky," she managed to whisper, biting her lip as a single tear fell from her eye. _Why am I crying?_ He just smiled, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they continued their decent down the stairs.

"I hoped you'd like it. There should be coffee in the kitchen too; I set the timer last night."

"You're an angel," she dropped a kiss on his lips, allowing their noses to touch softly… and out of nowhere her stomach grumbled loudly. Nick raised his eyebrows, placing a hand on her thin waist.

"We need to get some food in that stomach of yours. We didn't end up eating last night, did we?" He asked seriously, looking worried. Sara sighed.

"No…. but I couldn't have kept anything down anyway. Pancakes?" she answered, pursing her lips in an attempt to control her urge to smile at the prospect of pancakes. Memories of other early morning… or rather, late night pancake cookouts together came flowing back… and finally she was unable to restrain the full fledged grin that spread across her face. The worried expression that had found place on Nick's was quickly replaced by the same nostalgic ear to ear smile as he nodded with a wink.

"Pancakes. Strawberry, blueberry or chocolate chip?"

"Strawberry…. _and_ chocolate chip!" Sara laughed, poking him lightly in the side as she reminded him of the disaster they'd created in the kitchen last time she'd tried to mix the two. She'd knocked the open bag of flour onto the floor with her elbow as she cut the leaves from the strawberries at the sink, and it had practically exploded all across the entire room, covering both of them with the powder from head to toe- _right_ after they'd gotten out of the shower for work, a half an hour later. They'd actually had to call into work to tell Grissom they'd be at least an hour late thanks to the cleanup job, not to mention making and eating breakfast itself. When it happened they'd just burst out laughing, each finding it hard to care the crap was all over the linoleum and carpet when the other was completely white and sneezing their head off. Grissom had rolled his eyes and just told them to get in when they could; all the major cases were being handled by days at the time anyway. In the end, they'd burnt the pancakes anyway after a stray strawberry fell into the gas burner unnoticed, eventually catching fire and setting the smoke alarm off. The room held a smoky fruit smell for at least three days afterward, but the pancakes still tasted great.

"You looked like a ghost. I didn't know until that day that you sneezed in triplets," Nick chuckled, his dark eyes twinkling with laughter.

"I've done that since I was a kid." Sara giggled back, throwing her arms around his neck as they made it into the kitchen. "How about banana chocolate chip?"

"Sure." She placed another kiss on his lips as he nodded. "I'll find the stuff. Open presents after breakfast?"

"'kay. I'm going to run and get something from my bag, be right back." She left to make her way back upstairs, intent on finding her gift for Nick… and the Santa hat she'd ironically got for him as well. She had meant to put them under the tree last night, but she hadn't gotten to it. It took a few minutes of digging around in the massive luggage she'd brought back with her from San Francisco to find what she was looking for. Gathering the boxes and hat in her arms, she tiptoed back downstairs to the Christmas tree, where she placed the load amongst the rest of the gifts. It was staggering how many there were; she hoped they weren't all from Nick to her, it was way too much. Looking closer, she saw that a few of them were from coworkers to both of them.

"No peeking, Sar!" Nick's voice came joking from the kitchen, and she turned quickly from the gifts beneath the tree, trying not to look guilty. He'd sensed her movement in the adjacent room, and couldn't resist watching her. She smirked, rolling her eyes as she walked back to the kitchen with her Santa hat for him hidden behind her back. Humoring her, he turned his back and resumed his task of scouring the fridge for eggs. Taking advantage of this, Sara snuck up behind him and pulled the traditional hat roughly over the crown of his head, making sure it covered his eyes but left his ears sticking out to the sides. She silently cursed herself for not having a camera as he turned around with a goofy grin on his face, and the white trim of the hat actually covering most of his nose as well.

"No peeking, Nicky!" It took all of a second for her to break into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Unable to keep from laughing back, Nick shook his head and reached the eggs onto the counter and stood up from his crouching position at the fridge and, making no move to fix the hat whatsoever, blindly tackled the woman.

"Oh, you think you're so funny, Sidle. '_no peeking…_'" he chuckled, threatening to start tickling her from behind, his fingers dangerously close to what he knew was her most ticklish spot: her lower ribs, just above her waistline.

"It was a great joke!" She fought to free herself from his grasp. "Admit it- it was great!"

"Really witty." He wanted to stick his tongue out at her as he finally fixed the hat with one hand. "You're great at twisting my words, darlin'."

Sara grinned and nodded, turning in his arms to face him. "So… do you like your hat?"

He took it off his head for a moment to look at it fully, smirking with raised eyebrows. "…it's purple…"

"Indeed it is." Her smirk finally matched his as she leaned up to steal another kiss from his lips.

Breakfast passed without incident, though Sara did manage with her immaculate cooking skills to permanently sear chocolate and banana onto all three frying pans they'd used while Nick was setting the table with plates, cutlery and glasses. Thankfully the smoke alarm didn't go off, but she was hardly surprised at her accomplishment. It had been months since she'd last cooked anything. Most nights in San Francisco she'd just ordered in- though she rarely ate any of it, or Blaze came over and cooked something up, making sure at least _something_ made it to her stomach. She always appreciated it, but eating was never a priority and sometimes she'd half heartedly wished he didn't bother; often she couldn't keep it down in the end anyway. But something about being back with Nick had made it easier. The only thing curdling in her stomach was laughter as he chuckled with her, taking her place at the stove. He quickly turned off the gas burner and flipped the pancakes on each of the three pans with a spatula to make sure the opposite sides were cooked, finally dropping the darkened little circular blobs onto a big plate so he could scrape the burnt bits off the pan.

By the time they had finished breakfast, it was close to 9:30. Sara quickly attacked the coffee, and Nick excused himself quickly to run upstairs, where he still had a gift for Sara. When he reached the top of the stairs, he could hear his cell phone vibrating from the headboard. Smirking slightly, he strolled into the bedroom to pick it up. Warrick.

"Merry Christmas."

"_Same to you, man. Have you done it yet?_"

"Way to cut to the chase there. No—"

"_Uh sorry Nick, hang on a second._" He could hear a young girl's voice in the background, trying to get his friends attention, probably thanking him for a gift. "_No problem Linds, Merry Christmas._" Warrick shifted his face from the phone to speak to Catherine's daughter. Nick chuckled.

"Are you over at Catherine's place? You swine."

Warrick laughed back. "_Yeah, I am. We came back here after visiting her mom for Christmas dinner last night._"

"See man? I told you. You should have done it a long time ago."

"_Yeah, yeah, I know._" Warrick rolled his eyes. "_I should have asked Catherine out years ago, marrying Tina was a big mistake, you were right when you told me to break it off, I got it._" His voice raised a little as he finished speaking, but Nick could still hear the dry chuckle behind it all. "_So why haven't you asked her yet? Did you just get up?_"

"No… no we just finished breakfast. She's so thin Warrick; it's like she hasn't really eaten for two months."

"_Look after her, man. I'll come and tear you up if you don't,_" his voice was joking, brotherly but worried.

"I will, I will… we're working on it. Anyway, I was just coming upstairs to get the box when you called. I'll tell you how it goes."

"_Alright. You nervous?_"

"Of course."

"_Don't be._"

-_Click_- And Warrick hung up. Filthy hypocrite.

Nick snapped his own cell closed and placed it back on the headboard, kneeling down to the drawers under their bed. It was in the sock drawer, stuffed into a pair of his black 'Happy Feet' near the back. He quickly retrieved the two boxes, one wrapped and one not, and stuffed them anxiously into the side pocked of his navy housecoat. _Here goes nothing…_ Sighing and running a hand through his bed-headed hair, he turned and walked back downstairs, fiddling unconsciously with the contents of his pocket trying to calm himself. He'd been planning it for ages, now was as good a time as any. Halfway through his descend, he saw her. She was sitting in the 2 person loveseat by the window, looking like she was trying not to open something in her lap. He heard a small sniffle.

"Sara?"

She looked up, smiling, but a tear still fell down her cheek.

"Are you alright? What's the matter?"

"I'm fine. It happens quite a bit. Nevermind." Her gaze returned to whatever was on her lap; his vision was obscured by the back of the chair. She seemed to hesitate for a moment, then push whatever it was off her lap rather violently, kicking it under the couch once it hit the floor. Unfortunately, she kicked it too hard and it slid across the rug too far, coming out the back end of the chair. It was a photo album. Sara gritted her teeth. _Shit. _Nick didn't say anything, but walked over and picked the thick book up, placing it on a nearby table. He pulled the Santa hat off her head and she turned to look at him. A halfhearted smile crossed his face as he pushed her messy hair out of her eyes and behind her ears, kissing away the tear that fell down her cheek. She was a good actor, but the moment he left she broke down a little. There was no way…

"I'm okay, really. Thanks, Nick." She kissed him back, gesturing for him to take a seat next to her. He did, and she handed him the gift she had waiting at her feet. He smiled thankfully, tearing the holly-print wrapping paper from the rectangular package.

"You got me cowboy boots?" Nick snorted, a huge grin now plastered across his face.

"They match that Stetson I got you for your birthday."

"Are you trying to turn me into a cowboy, darlin'?" He looked very pleased with himself as he tried them on and stood up. Sara laughed; he looked hilarious wearing his robe, cowboy boots and… well, nothing else. She bit her lip trying to control a giggle and nodded, sniffling a bit as the photo album was momentarily forgotten.

"I have something for you here, cowgirl." He knelt down at the tree to make it look like he was grabbing something from there while he rustled in his pocket. Warrick's voice played in his mind. _Look after her, man. I'll come and tear you up if you don't._ Was this looking after her? Was it really the right thing to be doing given present circumstance? She was so delicate; the front failed in the few minutes he'd left her side that morning. Was it fair… was it going to be at all beneficial to her when she'd be forced to leave again in a matter of days? How easy would it be for her to carry another huge commitment before all this San Francisco business was put to rest when she already felt like she had failed? Was he really in the right to be considering putting her through it all right now? He knew the answer before he asked himself the question, the moment he saw her tearstained face walking down the stairs mere moments before. He sighed inwardly and handed her something from his pocket.

"Merry Christmas, Sar."


End file.
